[Introduction to, 9 Keys to Befriending Stress, ©2023]

We all know what stress is. (Or do we?)

Coping, managing, busting, handling – all this and more, stress is generally perceived as something to be endured. (Or is it?)

We often talk about having stress, my stress, needing to control stress, being so stressed – when what we really mean is, our response to stress. Stressful events, sometimes major – a significant illness, car accident, natural disaster, sudden loss of a loved one, and so many others – are outside of human control most of the time, yet how we respond to it (and this is NOT to say that it’s a mere matter of choice) is within our realm of agency.

But what is stress?

While we’ve all been convinced that stress is negative, the precipitating event or condition can be positive as well. Relocation to another country, birth of a new baby, career change, acceptance to a doctoral program – all are typically perceived as highly positive events that, even so, rank high for their degree of stress and resulting stress response. Any major change, in fact, can constitute stress, and if it’s sudden and without time to prepare oneself, even more so. When it comes to chronic stress, positive examples may include a high-level management position, medical or law school, the first year of employment or marriage. Regardless – we still feel stressed.

We need first to get into a bit of biology, which I promise is fascinating. When acute stress occurs, it triggers our autonomic nervous system [ANS] which is found in the spinal cord trailing down from our central nervous system or brain, housed within our spinal column made up of multiple vertebrae. Within the ANS are 2 systems: sympathetic and parasympathetic. The duties of each are what we often refer to as ‘fight or flight’ and ‘rest and digest’ respectively – and they don’t fire at the same time, for obvious reasons. The sympathetic system can conversely engender a ‘freeze’ response, in which we’re stuck in one place due to fear or anxiety, able neither to flee nor to fight back – and this is often a response to stress, especially chronic.

There are several interesting points to unpack here. Most of the time, it’s our parasympathetic system that’s busily ticking away, ensuring our wellbeing through those modes of proper sleep and digestion. The sympathetic is a sort of alarm system; in moments of acute stress, it’s meant to fire fully – no need for resting or digesting now, but we’d better flee or powerfully address the situation instead. (This is how people rescue others from a burning building or lift a car to get someone out from beneath it.) We’re flooded with all sorts of superpower chemicals, and rather than feeling panicked, we’re meant to be at 100% of our capacity in order to deal with what’s happening.

The trouble starts in chronic stress. When we have multiple stressors, or one that lingers, not life-threatening but sufficient to throw us off-balance, our sympathetic system is only partially engaged. It’s stimulated, but never quite fully; and just as in charging your electronic device, if it’s always at half-charge, not going through a cycle of full charge and full discharge, it wears out more quickly. In the human version, this also often leads to problems with sleep and bodily functions; if the sympathetic system is always engaged at a low to mid-level, cruising its way toward collapse from overuse, the parasympathetic simply can’t compete. We’re stuck in ‘drive’ mode, but at a low gear, with little hope for ‘park’.

This is the biological model of Hans Selye, stemming all the way back to 1936 with his first article about the nature of stress and the biological response to it. A host of physical and mental illnesses have been attributed to a poor stress response or the impact of chronic stress, and medical professionals have often said that if we could just control for stress, many illnesses would markedly decrease or disappear altogether. This remains the prevailing view of stress today – yet we now know that it simply isn’t the whole picture.

Just a decade ago, a concept referred to as ‘stress mindset’ (our first key) was introduced by researchers Crum, Salovey, and Achor. They proposed that it isn’t stress itself that’s problematic or negatively impacting health; it’s how we think about it. We humans tend to engage not only in stress and worry (its close cousin) but also in meta-stress and meta-worry, in which we think about and focus on how worried or stressed we are, thereby compounding its negative impact.

Some years ago, a vegan friend was continually allowing himself to get stressed over the foods that he was eating. Was it made with fish stock? Were the ingredients organic, and non-GMO? Was it truly organic, certified, without any non-organic farms within a certain radius? Was it harvested while still unripe, stored in a warehouse, then irradiated before being sent to market? And so much more. Finally, I told him that such negativity, such stress that he was putting on himself over his diet, was undoubtedly undoing any benefit from being vegan and organic in the first place.

In my own case, I’ve lived abroad in a series of countries since early 2005, and traveled widely. And while that may seem a fantasy to some, it also represents a series of highly stressful events – problems and challenges of all sorts, linguistic and cultural barriers, unforeseen complications, and minimal roots or support network. At the same time, as a psychologist and former integrative health provider, I knew to take particular care of myself in such an atmosphere of continual change and adjustment. I’ve practiced mindfulness meditation for the past 40 years, maintain a diet that’s primarily plant-based, and engage in regular exercise; I joined international organizations to give me a sense of rootedness no matter where I went. Far more importantly, however (no doubt due in part to that longstanding mindfulness practice): I accept stress as a normal part of life with benefits that far outweigh any negatives. And so, while much of it hasn’t been easy, I’ve had no ill effects on my physical or mental health.

Much related research has now emerged regarding the negative impact not of stress and stress response but of an underlying belief that it’s harmful. Large studies have shown that in people experiencing major and prolonged stress, those who view it as negative and harmful are far more likely to become unhealthy or die prematurely than those who simply see it as part of life, even beneficial. This represents an enormous shift in thinking; while the biological response of Selye is certainly indisputable (though it isn’t even the whole biological story), our attitude toward stress itself plays a major role.

Even more, recent research has shown that stress results not only in negative but also positive biologic responses. The human body is a marvel, with a host of homeostatic mechanisms for the purpose of returning the body’s systems to a state of balance as needed. When we’re stressed, the heart rate does increase and a host of other events occur that seem on the surface to be negative to our health. At the same time, however, the added adrenalin, cortisol, and norepinephrine serve as motivator, energy booster, and a keen focuser of attention. Oxytocin is released in larger amounts than usual, our ‘social hormone’ that induces empathy and the need to seek out others, to nurture and be nurtured. Depending on the nature of the stress, the body may also release a flood of endorphins, our natural opiate meant to reduce pain and provide a sense of wellbeing, and extra dopamine, which balances mood.

The stress response in recent research has been compared to that of courage, and also of joy; many of the biological results in the body when we’re under stress are similar to these positive experiences. We might also think of the athlete, training for a major event; the physical stress helps to build muscle tissue, and produces the adrenalin needed to persevere, and to perform well.

Those major stress events I mentioned earlier may be quite tragic, including loss of a loved one or one’s own terminal illness. This isn’t an attempt to put a positive spin on any such tragedy. While our second key will focus on reframing, or looking at stress from a multitude of perspectives, we’ll see that this isn’t meant to be a reality-denying toxic positivity either; rather, by shifting our focus we can aid our body in its systems of rebalancing, for a mind-body mutual support system. (More on that soon.)

And so: befriending stress.

The focus of our book is also not one of welcoming or seeking out stress, but of learning to recognize its positive, healthy benefits and doing what we can to encourage more of this. In the aftermath of trauma, for example, most of the time we reach a point of resolution; if we don’t, we may slide into post-traumatic stress disorder or syndrome, PTSD/PTSS, which most people know about and is a long-term unhealthy response to earlier trauma that has proven difficult to resolve. However, there’s another possibility, referred to as post-traumatic growth or PTG, which again isn’t a mere positive spin on a painful event, not a silver-lining clichéd approach; instead, it’s a conscious focus to recognize and move in the direction of learning and growing as a result of a profoundly difficult circumstance.

Here we have a similar idea, and it relates as well to the overall concept of resilience. Resilience is the ability not only to survive adversity but to thrive, to grow as a result – and to become even more resilient. Major challenges tend to throw any of us off at first; but once we stop reeling and can begin to rebalance, we may look for a way not just to recover to neutral, the position we were at before the negative event occurred, but beyond it to an even stronger point. This is the nature of resilience (and that equally cliché proverb about becoming stronger from what doesn’t kill us): we may be temporarily depleted, but once we begin to refill our reserves, we find that we’ve learned and grown from the experience – and will be even more resilient when adversity comes again.

And so: befriending stress.

In recent years, as the pace of life has steadily increased, especially with the continued advancement of technology, it became popular to complain about how busy and stressed one was – as a measure of importance. The prevailing wisdom (?) was, the busier you were, the more in demand and therefore successful.

But then: the concept of time affluence emerged, alongside ‘slow’ movements in many areas of life; people began moving from urban to rural settings, focusing on a slower pace of life and a sense of the richness of time. The more important or powerful you were, the easier it was for you to work fewer hours or take time off. While this continues today, the middle way is perhaps increasingly sought; we want a balance of stimulation, along with quietude.

In the absence of stress, life doesn’t become perfect; it lacks stimulation. This doesn’t mean that we need to seek out stress. That über-busy lifestyle is, in fact, unhealthy, while a slower pace, quiet, and solitude represent a boon to health. A complete lack of stress, however, or lack of stimulation, often leads to premature aging, as we see in retirees who have no particular plan or objectives for their senior years; the successful retirement in terms of aging as healthily as possible relies on a regular schedule with plenty of stimulation and social engagement. And so, we need to find the porridge that’s just right.

When we begin to view stress as our friend, to see its positive attributes, we also increase our sense of agency not in controlling or managing stress but in partnering with it – in consciously using the stressors in our life, even the most painful or unwelcome ones, ultimately toward a positive outcome. We stop fearing stress, no longer allow it to overwhelm us, but instead view it as an opportunity to increase our resilience, to bond with others, to grow, and to know ourselves to be alive.

In mindfulness, which we’ll see as our third key and which is considered a type of mental training, one notices fully the thoughts and emotions of one’s mind but doesn’t attach to them, wishing them on their way instead. We don’t ignore, which would be an immature response; rather, we acknowledge and allow for every thought and feeling, while not permitting it to define us or guide our actions. Similarly, we begin to view stress as our ally, a mindful approach to stress.

And so, our 9 keys. We begin with a deeper dive into the stress mindset, followed by the reframing tool of psychology, and then the practice of mindfulness. We then look at the power of storytelling, the nurturing of others, and self-nurturing. In our seventh key, we’ll see the influence of nature, the use of imagery, and finally, the benefits of gratitude.

Shall we begin?