[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Happiness: Positive Psychology ©2023]

The second key to a pleasurable life is self-care — not just as a chore but as a way of nurturing oneself. All that we do for self-care, whether simple hygiene such as taking a bath, or physical exercise, or getting enough sleep, are necessary tasks of life — and also, ways that we self-nurture and self-soothe. Just as parents do for their children, or any caregiver, we are caring for ourselves.

What’s more, these basic tasks of life have a direct bearing on happiness. Physical exercise increases endorphins, our feel-good brain chemicals. Sufficient and good-quality sleep has great bearing on our physical condition and thus on our happiness; too, the brain heals and rejuvenates as we sleep, making it essential to mental self-care. Nutrition, too, is not only a matter of physical but also mental health and wellbeing.

Living in a natural environment — close to nature, or if in a city, perhaps near a park or simply with a tree outside of our window, or a view of the sky, or plants in window boxes; with a creature companion or two, with windows open for a breeze, by eating whole foods — any type and as many ways as we can to integrate elements of the natural world in our lives, we are the better for it. I live in a mega-city of 16 million – and always have lived in dense urban environments – yet, in each location I’ve identified the nature around me in a tree and its birds outside my city apartment window, for example, or a nearby park, or in the case of my current home in Istanbul (and also in a former home, Hong Kong): nearby islands – and thus I can appreciate nature many times a day in my local trees and my window boxes, and also weekly in that visit to an island or a park.

Connectedness is another form of self-care. Humans, even the most introverted, are social creatures. We don’t need a heavy social schedule. But we do need a connection or two. And we need to nurture those relationships. Even as we fully embrace the digital era, even as the convenience of communicating online is appealing in our fast-paced and busy lives, we still require contact with other humans. This can come in many forms, but it is a necessary component to the experience of happiness — and an aspect of self-care.

Connectedness can be found in other ways, too. I feel deeply connected to all of humanity, in a universal interconnectedness and collective unconscious; equally, I am interconnected with all sentient beings regardless of species, ‘sentient’ for me including plant as well as animal kingdoms. I feel profoundly connected with my ancestors, not only of blood – in which there are tens of thousands, and for which genealogy endeavors can strengthen that sense of connectedness – but also of spirit (human ancestors with whom I’ve some connection other than blood), of land (again, nature), and of hearth – spirit of place, of home. We are far, far from isolation.

Self-care can come in many forms: physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual (or metaphysical or philosophical), all manifesting uniquely for each individual. Caring for oneself, not in an ego-centric or narcissistic way but as a form of nurturance, is a core source of happiness.

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Exercises:

A good self-care task is to engage in a brainstorming session and write down as many of our self-care methods as possible — and then, do the same exercise again, with a new sheet of paper or in a blank document if doing it electronically. There are probably methods of self-nurturing that you do without being aware of them as such, considering them maintenance tasks instead. A reframing of this as “how I take good care of myself” is useful, and turns daily tasks into moments of pleasure and happiness.

Another exercise is the sociogram: draw a small circle in the center of a blank sheet of paper, in which you write your own name, then the names of anyone in your innermost circle; draw a ring around that small circle, and add more names in that secondary layer in terms of the closeness of your relationships — and on, to at least 2 more layers. Then contemplate: who do I wish were closer? Who would I prefer to have a bit further away? This gives us a physical model of our connectedness, and reminds us that we can take steps to change the degree of our relationships.

If limited by depression, physical condition, or similar, start small. Determine just 1 thing you can do for yourself, to take care of yourself, every day, even if it’s just for 5 minutes. If physical exercise isn’t possible, then meditation; if meditation feels overwhelming, then make good nutritional choices for the day. What’s one way that you can nurture yourself today?

Identifying our needs (not desires) is an important aspect of self-care. Ask yourself: what do I really need — in my life, in my day, in this moment? And am I capable of giving that, or at least contributing to that, even in a small way?

Self-compassion and self-talk are especially important methods of self-care; treat yourself the way that you would treat a close friend, or someone beloved, or your animal companion. Balanced breathing is also self-care, not only a form of meditation or mindfulness; sitting quietly and breathing slowly and deeply for even 5 minutes is self-nurturing, as we fill our lungs with fresh air and feel our blood and our cells enervate as a direct result. A walk in nature, if possible for you either bodily or in regard to your living environment, is also powerful self-care.

This key, then, is to conceive of all the many ways we take care of ourselves, and to derive many moments of pleasure and happiness from these tasks of daily care, including our engagement in and maintenance of relationships.