[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Befriending Stress: Personal Growth ©2023]

In our second key, we use reframing to befriend stress.

Reframing is a method for looking at the same circumstance from a multitude of perspectives, and then choosing which view best suits our aims. The concept emerged from family systems psychology and the work of Virginia Satir, a leading researcher in the field.

This perspective shift isn’t meant as toxic positivity – it’s not a superficial positive sheen nor a ‘new age’ process of manifestation. Rather, it’s a multi-step tool for broadening our minds and for shifting perspective.

In this, it can help both as we work to form our stress-as-beneficial mindset, and also to shift our view when actually in the throes of a major stressor.

Today, reframing has been integrated into CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy, the most widely used approach – as a way of changing patterns of unhealthy or faulty thinking. We may consider, then, a view of stress as negative and harmful to be a form of distorted thinking that we wish to change.

As an example, we may approach a given situation thinking that it isn’t going to go well. We may have some prior experience or other evidence leading us to this conclusion; we may also be riddled with doubt in the capability of either ourself or others, that results in this view. In reframing, we may ask ourselves, do I actually know this? could there be other outcomes? what would a positive outcome look like? as steps toward a consideration of alternate perspectives and a challenging, and ultimate reframing, of our original assumption.

And why would we want to do that? In a word (or term): self-fulfilling prophecy.

If we have already decided a situation isn’t going to go well, we might be pleasantly surprised by a good outcome; far more likely, however, especially if the circumstances are predicated on our own actions, is that we’ve sabotaged ourselves through our negative thinking. The reframing is not a falsely positive one of “everything’s going to be fine”; rather, it simply questions the veracity of such a prediction, asks for proof, and considers alternate outcomes, perhaps even envisioning them. “What would a positive outcome look like?” is far different than “everything’s going to be fine.”

Perhaps it’s becoming obvious by now how this can be applied to stressful circumstances. Even in dire stress, such as that natural disaster, we can begin reframing once the initial physical and emotional stabilization process has been achieved. At this point, we begin asking ourselves, are there any positive or beneficial outcomes to this? if so, what could they look like? In so doing, we aren’t yet setting goals toward such result; we’re initiating the process, by shifting how we think about it.

You can also see, then, that we must have already established our stress-as-beneficial mindset in order to even consider such reframing. If we haven’t, then major stress is just that – stress – with many harmful and few positive outcomes. If our mindset has changed, then even in the direst stress, we first stabilize – and then we begin to reframe.

Again, this is NOT a look to the bright side or a matter of clouds and silver linings. Rather, we’ve learned that stress brings positive outcomes both biological and psychological; we’re now reframing our understanding of the current stressful situation, so that we may consider what those positive outcomes might be. Only after such reframing can we then begin to identify the steps necessary to achieve such outcomes.

The stress-as-beneficial mindset includes those mechanisms of the body to return to a state of balance following the impact of a major stressor or shock, as well as more long-term positive outcomes such as personal growth. When stress comes along, then, we first allow our body and mind to restabilize, in the acute phase; then, usually within one month of that originating event, when we’re moving into the more chronic stage, we begin with this process of reframing.

In the early 1980s in New York, gay men began getting ill from something we didn’t yet understand, and the typical prognosis was death within a year of diagnosis. These were most often young and healthy men, and this crisis of what would later come to be known as HIV/AIDS propelled many, myself included, to become involved not only in their care and support but also in activism for political change and necessary funding. Time after time, in support groups for those afflicted with HIV, people would say that the diagnosis – a stress of extreme level – was the best thing that had happened to them, that it had changed their life for the better. Medication that would allow people to live with, rather than die from, AIDS would not emerge for another decade or more; those making such statements knew their time was short. Nevertheless, because of their illness, many came to recognize changes in their relationships with family, in how they viewed themselves, and in the significance of their lives as they fought for recognition, and for social change.

Let’s look at a related example that we’ve all experienced, or will: the loss of a loved one. Whether sudden and shocking or the end of Grandma’s long life, it’s loss to be grieved, though the former is more representative of a major stressor and thus more likely to be destabilizing and debilitating. The body and mind restabilization process doesn’t mean that the emotional pain of loss has changed; it simply means that the shock of it has now worn off, leaving the stress behind. Grief takes a long time to process, and while we don’t stop mourning our loss, we do most often reach a point of functioning again; if we don’t, then our grief has become more pathologically debilitating. No one would ever suggest any positives in the actual loss of a loved one. We can, however, look at the potential for positive outcomes in the long-term; we may become more empathetic toward and supportive of others, for example, and strengthen our social bonds, while our own resilience to stress can potentially grow stronger through this devastating experience.

This reframing isn’t a one-time process (in each period of stress, that is); instead, we must also engage it on a daily basis as distorted or faulty thinking arises. We may be in the midst of a stressor such as the example above, and reach the point at which we’re able to reassess and reorganize our view, from one of total devastation to that of a painful loss with possible long-term growth potential. At many other points, however, when we find ourselves slipping back into harmful thought patterns – I can’t cope, I won’t be able to go on, nothing good can come from this, I’m not capable – we have another chance for reframing to more helpful and also more accurate patterns of thought.

This also isn’t a mere ‘stress is bad’ vs ‘stress is good’ shift. We’re looking for our related thought patterns underlying the former, so that we can transform them into support of the latter. Rather than ‘stress is bad’, we look out for ‘I’m such a failure’ or ‘I can’t endure this’ or ‘this is going to make me sick’. We look into our own minds for such harmful beliefs, question and challenge them, and reframe them into possible alternatives. Have I always failed at everything? What gives me the certainty that I’ll fail this time, before I’ve even begun? What makes me think I can’t endure this? Is there evidence to the contrary, times that I have endured great stress, and do I perhaps have even more or better support in place this time? Is it possible that this isn’t going to make me sick, but stronger?

By simply opening the questions, without the need to answer them, we’ve undermined our previous faulty thinking and begun to change those patterns for the better.

Then, and only then, after we’ve recognized such patterns and asked ourselves if there might be evidence to the contrary or a potential alternate outcome, can we begin to change such patterns to healthier thinking. The questions above may morph into ‘sometimes I fail but sometimes I succeed’ or ‘I’ve gained new skills / maturity / support and am likely to experience stress differently this time’ or ‘perhaps this will make me stronger, instead’.

Keeping a journal can be helpful. Visualizing possible alternate outcomes – quieting the mind and imagining, in rich detail, what those might be and how they might play out – is another useful technique. Saying aloud the reframed thought pattern – ‘I am capable’ or ‘I can endure’ or ‘this will make me stronger’ or ‘I am well supported’ – while looking into your own eyes in a mirror is also powerful; you’re repatterning your mind through repetition, while speaking directly to your unconscious mind.

If while in the stressful period you can’t envision alternative outcomes or engage in reframing negative thought patterns, try viewing this as a movie or a novel. Consider your life story on the screen or the page, happening to someone else, the main character. If all proceeded as expected from the beginning, a movie or book would be predictable and rather boring; instead, we need plot twists. What could those plot twists to your story be? Also, how might other characters in the story view this circumstance, in ways different from that of the main character?

As you’re working to alter your viewpoint, you want to feel those emotions even so; this isn’t about cajoling oneself out of negative feelings. Rather, it’s about learning to see the situation for what it is: the good with the bad, positive outcomes alongside painful or disturbing emotions.

Finally, self-compassion. Give yourself the same compassion in stressful times that you’d show to anyone else, especially those you care about. Surround yourself with love, support, forgiveness, kindness. We may be aiming to make stress our friend, and to see its benefits, but it’s a challenging experience even so.

Reframing.