[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Befriending Stress: Personal Growth ©2023]

Our fourth key: storytelling.

We humans are storytellers by nature. Not only does story convey information, emotion, and possible comedic relief; it’s a primary method of social bonding.

In times of stress, we talk with a friend or even a stranger, tell them what’s going on – our story – and we already begin to feel better. In telling our story, we may also see possibilities for reframing, as we choose how we portray our story. We don’t tell it only to ourselves but to others, and in times of stress as our body increases oxytocin production – the ‘social hormone’ directly connected to empathy – we’re biologically compelled to reach out.

Common wisdom has it that it’s better, healthier, to express what we’re experiencing than to keep it to ourselves. By giving voice to our stressful experience, as the stress itself via oxytocin compels us to do, we already begin to experience positive benefits. Not only are we more likely to remain healthy despite the stressor, but we’re also releasing its emotional content.

And let’s talk about restorative narratives – the very basis of psychotherapy and counseling.

The restorative narrative is one that tells a story from a strengths-based position; it focuses on what’s gone well in otherwise distressing events, on how communities come together in times of crisis, on the resilience of the human spirit. It’s not a false rendition, nor a selective one; it’s simply a matter of focus. In a word: reframing. Perspective. Storytelling in a way that encourages healing.

Through storytelling, we gain more understanding of what we’re experiencing. We see that we have choices, that we aren’t victims. We see aspects that were heretofore hidden to us, revealed as the story progresses. We deepen our awareness. We look for significance, trying to make sense of what’s happened, is happening, as a means of restoring our presence of meaning when it’s been shaken – or shattered. We may let go of old values and habits, embracing a new way of being and set of values instead.

We also choose how we portray ourselves in the story. Are you in reality a victim? Are you a hero? A bystander? Someone waiting for the future, or dwelling on the past? One who can’t let go of mistakes previously made? A character who is capable of seeing multiple perspectives? Or, as narrator of your story, perhaps you naturally tell it from the perspective of more than one character?

Storytelling is one of the key elements in personal growth as a result of stress and our response to it. How we tell our story, how we write it as we go along, is ours to decide; we are the author. The stressful event seems to come from the outside, and propels us into this story that we may very much not have wanted to be living; yet, while we cannot change the precipitating event, what happens next – and, how we tell this story to ourselves as well as others – is in fact in our hands.

It’s by storytelling that we take our reframing to another level. We don’t live in fantasy. We simply choose the perspective we’re taking, and we develop it, character by character and event by event.

By now, we’ve learned to adopt a stress-as-beneficial mindset; we’ve worked to reframe unhealthy or faulty thought patterns, and we’ve practiced mindfulness for emotional regulation. All of these help us in determining how we’ll tell this story – our perception of and response to what’s happened – for the rest of our lives.

Our section on reframing, in fact, ended with the idea of storytelling, in viewing our stressful circumstance as a movie and determining its plot twists – alternate perspectives and outcomes. Storytelling now takes this to its next logical step: we consider those plot twists along with all the characters involved, the precipitating event, characters’ responses to it, and how the story finally concludes.

There are several ways one can go about this. First, of course, we tell our story to others. We rarely experience stress in isolation; there may be others experiencing the same event, such as the loss of a loved one, or there are those who are supporting us, in such case as a debilitating diagnosis. We may turn to a support group or a therapist. We don’t tell it in story fashion – there’s no actual ‘in the beginning’ or ‘and they all lived happily ever after’. Rather, we simply talk about what’s going on – which is indeed our story.

We can also write it down, and this is highly recommended. If you don’t particularly like writing or have a preference for audio or video recording instead, this is another equally helpful approach. Above all, in this case, we write or tell our story only to ourselves. We aren’t writing a blog or social media posts (though those can be other forms for sharing one’s story with others); in this exercise, we’re telling our story only to our deep mind, in how we choose to see and frame it, what we truly think of its characters including ourselves, our fears and uncertainties, all those dark and truthful corners we may be leaving out of the story – as well as the hopes we dare not speak aloud to others just yet. This isn’t meant to replace the previous but to be parallel to it; there’s the story we tell others and the one we tell ourselves, as we also carefully note the similarities and especially the differences between the two.

Speaking aloud when telling one’s story to oneself is another method to utilize, in which we talk into the mirror (for looking into one’s own eyes is a means to access the unconscious). We’re thinking, speaking, and hearing our story all at once, as we note discrepancies and feelings we didn’t know we had. (Of course, this isn’t entirely different from audio or video recordings in lieu of writing – except for looking into one’s own eyes which, trust me, can be profound.)

You may also wish to employ imagery, and we’ll be looking at this in greater detail as one of our later keys. Here, in telling your story, you may wish to quiet your mind, focus on your breathing, and then, with eyes closed, imagine your story (or the parts that you can), as a movie, with its various outcomes. Imagine you’re at a theatre, sitting in the back row, watching others who are watching the movie of your current stressful circumstance; include all that detail regarding characters, settings, plot twists, and then near the end: let your audience choose from several alternate endings, much as we have in some movies today. Explore what those alternate endings might be – and see in your mind’s eye which outcome the audience, neither emotionally involved in the story nor invested in its outcome but objective, would choose.

Storytelling. Tell your story, to yourself and to others, as a way of exploring potential benefits and personal growth – including several alternate endings.