[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Self-Esteem: Positive Psychology ©2023]

Our fourth key is kindness. And like gratitude, its power is enormous.

Kindness is situated in the ‘humanity’ virtue – those qualities (like love, which we’ll see next) that position us within the human family, our ability to form relationships and healthy interactions with other humans.

While gratitude is about transcendence, expanding beyond our basic self, kindness puts us squarely within our richest humanism, or connectedness with other human beings.

Kindness should come naturally – but in these days of technology, social media, and lack of direct human connection, we need a reminder. It’s all too common to attack ideas online, and forget there’s a live human behind them. And it’s all too common in online groups, even of the most benign sort (like some of my writers’ groups for mutual support), for people to post something and add “Please be kind. I’m genuinely asking for your advice” or similar. Sad, I think every time I see this, that in this still-new medium, we expect attack and have to ask for kindness.

The research is clear (more on that in a moment): our kind thoughts and acts toward others have a direct benefit on our physical and mental health, our subjective wellbeing and life satisfaction, and on our self-esteem.

In fact, it’s especially beneficial to the latter. When we engage in acts of kindness, we instantly and automatically feel better about ourselves. It’s even argued that there’s no such thing as true altruism – doing for others without benefit to ourselves, and perhaps a cost instead (like giving up your seat on the metro for someone in need, and now you have to stand), as there’s always an instant benefit in its boost to our self-esteem.

So our acts of kindness, particularly toward a stranger as there’s no real possibility of reciprocity, unlike being kind to someone we know, is like putting money directly into our self-esteem savings account – every single time. It’s one of the easiest and best ways to boost your self-esteem, and your general humanity.

And it is in fact easy. Say good morning to a stranger. Ask the shop owner if he’s well. Hold the door open for that person behind you. Let the person with just one item go ahead of you at the market checkout. Give your seat to that elderly person, or that pregnant woman.

And online, even easier. Like someone’s post, and share it. (These days, many say they feel they’re whistling in the dark when they post, and we talk about how many ‘impressions’ a post has – people who’ve scrolled on by – rather than how many likes, or even less, how many shares.) Responding kindly to posts, especially in groups where most are strangers to one another, is a boost not only to you but to the entire group.

We can also text someone to send words of encouragement, or just tell them we’re thinking about them or happy to have them as a friend. We can tell people when we think they’re good at something. We can turn to the person behind us at the café and say, “I’d like to do something kind today – can I buy your coffee for you?” They’ll be stunned, and hopefully, they’ll do the same for someone else, either that day or another.

In the introduction to his 2005 novel, The Zahir, Brazilian writer Paulo Coehlo speaks of the world ‘favor bank’. As you do favors, kindnesses, for others, you’re making a deposit in that intangible bank – and one day, you may need to make a withdrawal, when it’s your turn to be in need, asking for help from someone else. And that’s how humanity should function – and in fact, at its core, it does.

So, feed your self-esteem daily in the best possible way: by doing little acts of kindness for others, as often as possible.

And the research?

A study by Ahrnberg et al. (2021) found that positive mental health and self-esteem were strongly linked – and that the character strengths most closely associated included were hope and kindness, along with the quality of social inclusion. Kindness was also found to promote self-esteem in studies by Datu et al. (2021) and by Kennes et al. (2023). And in the study of Padilla-Walker et al. (2020), prosocial behavior inclusive of kindness was found to increase self-esteem and to be protective against depressive symptoms.

The connection between kindness and subjective wellbeing has been clearly demonstrated in a 2020 meta-analysis of prior studies conducted by Hui et al., and in even more recent research by Datu et al. (2022) and Gerghel et al. (2021). The study of Ko et al. (2021) indicated that the positive effects of kindness on our wellbeing are similar between acts of kindness and the recall of same – in other words, we get another boost to our self-esteem when we recall our previous kindnesses, a double benefit.

Kindness has also been associated with happiness (Rowland & Curry, 2019) and with life satisfaction (Datu et al., 2022). And in the biologically-based study of Regan et al. (2022), it was demonstrated that engaging in acts of kindness toward others enhanced immunity as measured by gene expression; interestingly, the same effect was not noted following acts of self-kindness.

That’s not to say that kindness and compassion toward oneself isn’t beneficial. One of the most powerful tools for boosting our physical and mental wellbeing is the Loving Kindness Meditation, known in Buddhism as Mettā, or meditation for universal compassion. In brief, one meditates in 5 stages of increasing emotional challenge: on loving kindness or compassion flowing first within and directed toward oneself, then outward toward a good friend, then toward a person about whom one is neutral, then to a person one finds difficult – and finally, outward to all sentient beings.

This meditation has been found to promote mental health (Sorensen et al., 2019; Totzeck et al., 2020), self-esteem (Lumma et al., 2020), self-compassion (Reilly & Stuyvenberg, 2022), social connectedness (Don et al., 2022) – our next key, and even to slow the biological processes of aging (Le Nguyen et al., 2019).

So how do we increase our kindness, and thereby, our self-esteem?

By letting go of judgment and embracing compassion. Easier said than done. But every time you find yourself criticizing someone, even if a stranger and you’re only thinking critical thoughts, ask yourself: is there perhaps another story here?

And – by acts of kindness, of course. Daily kindness, however simple, whether in person or online, many of which were already mentioned above. The more we act kindly, the more it becomes our norm, and the more our self-esteem grows.

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Exercises:

To grow our awareness of kindness, and to expand our compassion and decrease our tendency toward criticism, the Loving Kindness Meditation is an excellent method. If you regularly engage in meditation, this is simply a matter of framing your focus. If meditation is unfamiliar to you, or you think you’re not good at it, never fear: this is contemplative meditation, not the Eastern classic of ‘empty mind’, and so we sit quietly, minimize distraction, steady our breathing, and then contemplate those 5 areas above, one after the other. And afterward, we need some time for reflection on the experience and insight.

Take a few moments at the end of each day to consider your kindnesses – given and received – of that day. Summarize your day in terms of kindness. Did you have any pleasant exchanges with others? Did you share someone’s post online? Did you call or text anyone to say you’re happy to have them as a friend? Did you compliment a stranger? Were you kind to yourself when you made a mistake? Reflection on kindness, as we’ve seen, benefits again.

Invite a new coworker to lunch. Get to know them. Ask them about their hopes for their new position in the company. Help them to feel less of a stranger to everyone.

Volunteer. It could be for one hour a week. It could be online. It could be easy. But you’re giving up a bit of your time for the benefit of others, and that’s kindness.

Start a crowdfunding page for some worthy cause. Grow and maintain it, put some effort into it, and help out that NGO, animal shelter, person facing high medical bills, or anyone for whom that money could make a world of difference.

Help to share the news, online and in person, about someone else’s endeavor – their new business, a product or service they’re hoping to sell, their accomplishment. Contribute to their marketing by posting something about them.

Set a goal – perseverance, too! – to do one kind act each day for a week. And then reset that goal for the next week. And the next.

References:

Ahrnberg H, Appelqvist-Schmidlechner K, Mustonen P et al. (2021). Determinants of Positive Mental Health in Adolescents–A Cross-Sectional Study on Relationships between Positive Mental Health, Self-Esteem, Character Strengths and Social Inclusion. International Journal of Mental Health Promotion 23:3, 361-374. https://doi.org/10.32604/IJMHP.2021.016408

Datu JAD, Valdez JPM, McInerney DM et al. (2022). The effects of gratitude and kindness on life satisfaction, positive emotions, negative emotions, and COVID-19 anxiety: An online pilot experimental study. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being 14:2, 347- 361. https://doi.org/10.1111/aphw.12306

Datu JAD, Wong GSP, and Rubie-Davies C (2021). Can kindness promote media literacy skills, self-esteem, and social self-efficacy among selected female secondary school students? An intervention study. Computers & Education 161:104062. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.compedu.2020.104062

Don BP, Van Cappellen P, and Fredrickson BL (2022). Training in Mindfulness or Loving-kindness Meditation Is Associated with Lower Variability in Social Connectedness Across Time. Mindfulness 13, 1173-1184. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01856-0

Gherghel C, Nastas D, Hashimoto T et al. (2021). The relationship between frequency of performing acts of kindness and subjective well-being: A mediation model in three cultures. Current Psychology 40, 4446-4459. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-019-00391-x

Hui BPH, Ng JCK, Berzaghi E et al. (2020). Rewards of kindness? A meta-analysis of the link between prosociality and well-being. Psychological Bulletin 146:12, 1084-1116. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000298

Kennes A, Lataster J, Janssens M et al. (2023). Efficacy of a School-Based Mental Health Intervention Based on Mindfulness and Character Strengths Use Among Adolescents: a Pilot Study of Think Happy-Be Happy Intervention. Journal of Happiness Studies 24, 677-697. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-022-00611-5

Ko K, Margolis S, Revord J et al. (2021). Comparing the effects of performing and recalling acts of kindness, Journal of Positive Psychology 16:1, 73-81.  https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2019.1663252   

Le Nguyen KD, Lin J, Algoe SB et al. (2019). Loving-kindness meditation slows biological aging in novices: Evidence from a 12-week randomized controlled trial. Psychoneuroendocrinology 108, 20-27. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2019.05.020

Lumma AL, Heidenreich T, and Michalak J (2020). How Would the Buddha Rate on Rosenberg’s Self-Esteem Scale?. Mindfulness 11, 521-526. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01281-w

Padilla-Walker LM, Millett MA, and Memmott-Elison MK (2020). Can helping others strengthen teens? Character strengths as mediators between prosocial behavior and adolescents’ internalizing symptoms. Journal of Adolescence 79, 70-80. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2020.01.001

Regan A, Fritz MM, Walsh LC et al. (2022). The genomic impact of kindness to self vs. others: A randomized controlled trial, Brain, Behavior, and Immunity 106, 40-48. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbi.2022.07.159  

Reilly EB and Stuyvenberg CL (2022). A Meta-analysis of Loving-Kindness Meditations on Self-Compassion. Mindfulness 14, 2299-2310. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01972-x

Rowland L and Curry OS (2019). A range of kindness activities boost happiness. Journal of Social Psychology 159:3, 340-343. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2018.1469461

Sorensen S, Steindl SR, Dingle GA et al. (2019). Comparing the Effects of Loving-Kindness Meditation (LKM), Music and LKM Plus Music on Psychological Well-Being. Journal of Psychology 153:3, 267-287. https://doi.org/10.1080/00223980.2018.1516610

Totzeck C, Teismann T, Hofmann SG et al. (2020). Loving-Kindness Meditation Promotes Mental Health in University Students. Mindfulness 11, 1623-1631. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-020-01375-w