[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Befriending Stress: Personal Growth ©2023]

And while you’re telling your story to others, while that oxytocin is flooding your body precisely because of the stressful event you’ve experienced and you’re filled with empathy as a result: nurture others.

This is directly related to the reduction of your stress response, and a positive outcome of stress. Rather than a distraction, it becomes a sort of feedback loop. Stress causes a release of oxytocin, the ‘social hormone’ which is directly associated with empathy and our need for human bonding. We then engage with others and, if specifically in a way that extends kindness and nurturing toward them as a result of that extra oxytocin production, this then causes our body to release even more oxytocin in return – and on it goes.

Oxytocin is also referred to as the ‘love hormone’ as it increases our emotionality toward one another in various forms: romantic attraction, sexual arousal, mother-infant bonding, recognition, and trust. When we experience stress, our body naturally responds by showering us with love. This is one especially clear benefit of stress, in fact, though of course, oxytocin is produced by other means – including prosocial behavior itself.

The power of kindness, given and received, cannot be overstated; this applies not only to those with whom we have a relationship but also – sometimes more so – when exchanged with strangers, thereby reinforcing our humanity. Kindness toward others has been demonstrated to lower our feelings of stress, decrease anxiety, regulate blood pressure and heart rate, increase our subjective wellbeing, and even improve our vitality. There is a positive psychological benefit to our self-esteem; we feel better about ourselves as a result. It improves our social bonding, even with strangers, and thereby helps us feel better supported and safer. It contributes to our sense of meaning and purpose – and it’s socially contagious, in that being the recipient of kindness encourages one to pass it on.

Prosociality includes but goes beyond kindness. In this, a term developed as the antithesis to antisocial behavior, we’re contributing to the greater good; it may not even directly involve other people. We may contribute to charities, donating goods or money, even anonymously; perhaps we get involved in a beach clean-up or neighborhood patrol program. We might petition our political representatives to create changes for the betterment of society. Or we may advocate for any number of disenfranchised groups. Prosocial behavior has been shown to improve psychological wellbeing, life satisfaction, and flourishing, all of which serve as protective factors for mental health. It acts as a buffer against the negative effects of stress, improves mood, and increases overall happiness.

Engaging in such actions to benefit others in turn increases one’s sense of social connection and belonging, which contributes not only to core human needs of safety and stability but also of identity; we know ourselves through the various contexts to which we belong. It’s a protective factor against stress response, loneliness, alcohol or substance abuse, cardiac disease, and suicide. Generally, our social support bolsters our resilience, along with other factors, thus decreasing our susceptibility to a host of physical and mental illnesses – including negative aspects of stress.

When undergoing stress we do well to reach out to others, even if we’ve worked to build a stress-as-beneficial mindset, abilities such as reframing our thoughts and a mindful regulating of our emotions, and storytelling with a focus on what story we’re telling about this event or period, and how. Not only do we seek others’ support, but we make an effort to provide support and nurturing as well, to volunteer, to give of ourselves, even – especially – when we feel that we’ve nothing to give, and our tendency is for our own survival and isolation instead. In reaching out and doing for others, well beyond distraction from our own stress, pain, or loss, we’re boosting our mental health and causing even more oxytocin to be released into our system as a result.

It’s not strictly necessary that we reach out for the support of others. Introverts in particular may find it more beneficial to go through challenges alone, while knowing that they have a support network even so; that knowledge may be enough. Storytelling, too, as we saw, while very useful, can be either with / to others, or the story told to oneself, while both together tends to have the strongest results. If nothing else, however – if we get through challenges better on our own, resting assured in the fact that we do have a support network but knowing that we need to focus on our internal process, then we still do well to extend our nurturing to others. It will benefit them, and benefit us at the same time, in reinforcing our humanity and our interconnectedness with all.

Nurturing.