[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Self-Esteem: Positive Psychology ©2023]

Love. Who doesn’t want more of that?

I’m not a romantic. (It just isn’t my nature.) But when we talk about love in the largest possible sense, love for humanity, for society, for one another, I’m all in.

Naturally, while romantic relationships are part of this character strength, it goes well beyond, to include several types of connectedness or bonding among humans: attachment between parents and their children; compassion and kindness for other humans generally; companionate love, for our friends; and romantic love, between spouses or partners.

Of course, love extends well beyond that experienced between humans. While we’re talking about relatedness (not my love of reading, for example, nor for cooking), anyone with a dog, cat, or other companion animal knows that this pure love is very deep indeed, the loyalty and bond unconditional. Our love for nature, as we take a walk in the woods and our heart soars, or watch a sunset over the ocean and are moved to tears – every time, is also quite real, and some would say, reciprocal. And so on.

In the positive psychology character strength, our focus here, it’s the love among humans — that speaks to our deepest sense of humanism and humanity.

And it’s complicated. And we can feel unloved. And we can love someone, and later, it can turn to hate.

Even so – it’s our social relationships, our bondedness and sense of being connected to other humans, our social inclusion and feelings of social support, and our compassion for and kindness toward others, that powerfully contributes to our self-esteem, and to our health, wellbeing, happiness, and life satisfaction.

And what does the current research tell us?

It seems very clear that social isolation is unhealthy (Preston & Rew, 2022), though social exclusion is far more damaging (Arslan, 2019). Social inclusion, then – even for us introverts – contributes greatly to mental health and both psychological and subjective wellbeing (Ahrnberg et al., 2021). Each of these studies indicates self-esteem as a mediator – along with resilience to increase life satisfaction despite social exclusion (Arslan), as one of the protective factors for mental health despite isolation (Preston & Rew), and along with social inclusion for mental wellbeing (Ahrnberg et al.). The link between love or bondedness and self-esteem has also been demonstrated in other recent studies (Harris & Orthu, 2020; Niveau et al., 2021; Salice, 2020), with long-lasting effect (de Moor et al., 2021).

We can imagine the harm that people throughout the world suffered in our recent pandemic and its associated ‘social distancing’, and this is actively being studied. In some good news, the review of prior studies conducted by Preston and Rew demonstrated that a general sense of connectedness, along with self-esteem and prosocial behaviors such as kindness and volunteerism, are protective of mental health in adolescents, despite social isolation. In a related study by Hu et al. (2021), a chain of benefits was established; social support and relationships leads to increased self-esteem, which in turn leads to hope and then to prosocial behavior – doing good for others.

So how do we increase our social connectedness? How to get, and give, more love?

By our time, more than anything. Time scarcity is an all too common reality these days, and time affluence (yes, remember that term in our mindfulness chapter?) – having the luxury, and also giving the gift, of time – is precious. When we give our time to relationships, they grow. By giving our time, we open our hearts.

And by being more open to others in the first place. It’s also too easy in our technological age to disconnect, or to connect only electronically. Relationships can be nurtured in this way, so taking time to text someone is also valid – but human bondedness also relies on physical proximity and social contact.

Love, social connectedness, requires time and space, and focus on others. And in most cases, it will be reciprocated.

Exercises:

Join a group. And attend their events or engage in their activities. One of the primary ways to build our social connectedness is to join a sport or club or other group of common interest. Like running, or playing tennis? Enjoy singing? Want to practice a handcraft, or language, or coding? I could go on – almost any activity you can think of probably has a solo version, and likely has a group. Choose the latter more often.

Similarly, take a class. While your focus in this case is less social and more cerebral, to acquire new knowledge or skill, you’ll still be with others. Again, the trend today is to learn everything online, and isn’t it wonderful that we can do so? But we do well to also engage in a physical class with other human beings in the room. And to talk to them.

Reach out to others. Meet a friend for a coffee. Text, sure, but don’t just text. Spend physical time together – in the ‘offline’ world. (What until recently we called, ‘reality’.)

Volunteer. Like the suggestion for kindness, volunteering also engages you with others, and provides an opportunity for social connectedness and bonding, in a positive environment with a common interest.

Engage, engage, engage. In the relationships you already have, and in new ones waiting to be made.

As well, we grow our compassion. Develop the habit of asking yourself about ‘story’ – when someone is rude to you, or ignores you, or otherwise does something that you find irritating, ask yourself: could there be another story here? Is this person having a bad day, or life? Is there some subtext I’m missing? Could it perhaps have nothing to do with me?

The story metaphor can be extended to an infinite number of scenarios, including simply asking ourselves the ‘story’ of the strangers around us. Cultivate the habit of looking at those around you – in the crowded metro train on your way to work, in the supermarket, or anywhere – and asking yourself, ‘I wonder what his/her story is?’ We begin to understand more deeply that everyone has a whole background story about which we know nothing – and maybe, they’re struggling. By this we grow our compassion, story by story.

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References:

Ahrnberg H, Appelqvist-Schmidlechner K, Mustonen P, et al. (2021). Determinants of Positive Mental Health in Adolescents–A Cross-Sectional Study on Relationships between Positive Mental Health, Self-Esteem, Character Strengths and Social Inclusion. International Journal of Mental Health Promotion 23:3, 361-374. https://doi.org/10.32604/IJMHP.2021.016408

Arslan G (2019). Mediating role of the self–esteem and resilience in the association between social exclusion and life satisfaction among adolescents. Personality and Individual Differences 151:109514. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109514

de Moor EL, Denissen JJA, Emons WHM, et al. (2021). Self-esteem and satisfaction with social relationships across time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 120:1, 173-191. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000379

Harris MA and Orth U (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 119:6, 1459-1477. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265

Hu H, You Y, Ling Y, et al. (2021). The development of prosocial behavior among adolescents: A positive psychology perspective. Current Psychology https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-02255-9

Niveau N, New B, and Beaudoin M (2021). Self-esteem Interventions in Adults – A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality 94:104131. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2021.104131

Preston AJ and Rew L (2022). Connectedness, Self-Esteem, and Prosocial Behaviors Protect Adolescent Mental Health Following Social Isolation: A Systematic Review. Issues in Mental Health Nursing 43:1, 32-41. https://doi.org/10.1080/01612840.2021.1948642

Salice A (2020). Self-Esteem, Social Esteem, and Pride. Emotion Review 12:3, 193-205. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073920930788