[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Identity Crisis & Resolution: Personal Growth ©2023]

The most common type of therapy today is arguably CBT: cognitive-behavioral. While working with a therapist or coach in order to process a crisis of identity is useful for many, we can also apply the core principles of CBT to this transformative process on our own. In fact, a common view of CBT is that counselors can teach these principles to those who come to them, in order that they may act as their own therapist.

CBT refers to the links between our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. As we begin to better understand our negative thought patterns and how they lead us to certain behaviors that we may not want, we can change the thought – not magically, of course, but through a process – in order that our ways of acting, and interacting with others, will also change.

As an example, someone may believe themself to be a failure, or incompetent, and that others see them in this way as well. They can learn to identify and take apart that belief, in order to defuse it; they may ultimately stop assuming that a failure in one area indicates an overall character trait, and also come to understand that others may have a very different perspective and not view them as a failure at all. This process will help the person to become more confident and successful in the future.

The focus of CBT, then, is on our core beliefs, dysfunctional assumptions, and automatic negative thoughts, all of which we may be relatively unaware. In identity crisis and reorganization, we can learn to recognize our patterns of negative thinking (about self, world, future) that are standing in the way of our developing a new (improved) identity. One by one, we analyze such patterns for (a) validity, (b) origin, (c) related behaviors; and, (d) alternatives. We then determine the steps we can take to reorganize each of those thoughts, to a more realistic and helpful view of ourself.

One of the most common techniques is referred to as ABC: Activating event, Behaviors, and Consequences. In applying this, we begin by reverse-engineering it: we see a behavior in ourselves that we don’t like (why do I always get into unhealthy relationships? why can’t I hold a job? why do I always start things but never finish?), then we think about an event that would activate our thinking in this way (an argument with one’s spouse or partner, a bad review at work, abandoning yet another project), what thoughts we associate with such an event, how we tend to act on those thoughts, and the typical outcome of our actions.

In the identity crisis, when we feel that we’re floundering and don’t know who we are anymore, or who we’re becoming, when everything within us feels unstable, we can use the same technique. In that middle period of transition, we want to achieve personal growth, and so we look at ourselves for common patterns – in relationships, at work, in our commitments, or otherwise – and then explore the unhealthy or unhelpful thoughts that lie beneath them. Let’s say the crisis of identity is sparked by an unexpected divorce. We may feel that we can’t trust others, that we’re just not good at relationships, that we must attract poor partners, that we aren’t good enough for anyone to love. In our journal or similar, we can explore such beliefs, assess the validity of each, consider as well similar examples in our life that don’t support those beliefs, and reframe them for a different outcome – and, a shift in identity as we work to form who we are now becoming.

Cognitive distortions, or negative tendencies in our thinking, may include: filtering, in which we ignore any positives in a situation or about ourselves in a certain area, and focus only on the negatives instead; catastrophizing, in which we tend to think the worst about ourselves; or, polarized thinking, which is absolute: we’re either good or bad, a success or a failure, and so forth, without any nuances or understanding that individual qualities are on a continuum.

Other distorted thought patterns: heaven’s reward fallacy, in which we accept our struggles or suffering as our lot in life while believing in some sort of justice later, rather than working to change such patterns now; control fallacy, which can either manifest as a belief that we’re completely in control of our lives, or that we have no control over anything, both of which represent faulty thinking and lead to problem behavior. Always assuming one is right represents mental heuristics and relates to an exaggerated need for control, preventing one from considering other perspectives or the worth of other people who may disagree; the fallacy of fairness, in which we believe as a child does that circumstances are or should always be fair, and when confronted with unfairness, may experience distress.

We may also have a tendency to personalize, taking personally the remarks or actions of others when there’s no such intention; in overgeneralization, we tend to stereotype ourselves or others (women can’t, my generation is, I always/never, etc.). Jumping to conclusions, in which we don’t carefully consider before reaching our opinion, is another example of faulty thinking; emotional reasoning, rather than rational, in which our actions are led by our emotions, yet another. Still more cognitive distortions include blaming, rather than taking responsibility; the fallacy of change, in which we perceive that change – either our own or others’ – is necessary in order for us to be happy, may seem like an opportunity for personal growth, yet we are never satisfied and true change remains just out of reach. Along the lines of overgeneralization above, we may also engage in labeling; rather than “I failed at that one thing,” we jump to, “I’m a failure.” And finally, ‘shoulds’ – I should do this or not do that – which means we’re never in the present moment but always projecting into the future, and likely always attempting to meet unrealistic expectations.

In applying these to our personal growth, whether in the midst of an identity crisis or to prepare for and minimize the destabilizing effects of such in the future, we can engage in introspection about each negative pattern as to whether it applies to us, and if so, what behaviors stem from it with what likely outcomes – and then: focus on and work to change that pattern.

Rational-Emotive Behavioral Therapy [REBT] is a very specific subcategory of CBT, which we can also engage to help resolve (or prepare for) an identity crisis. While standard CBT focuses on negative or dysfunctional thought patterns, REBT is more closely focused on our emotions and faulty beliefs. Its primary approach is that we hold onto irrational and illogical beliefs about ourselves or events in our lives, which then distort our emotions and our behavior, including the ways in which we relate to others.

These take several forms: self-interest, social interest, self-direction, self-acceptance, tolerance of others, short- and long-term hedonism, commitment to creative or absorbing activities and pursuits, responsible risk-taking and experimenting. We can therefore work to identify our self-defeating thoughts and feelings, challenge the nature of irrational and unproductive beliefs, and replace them with healthier, more productive ones. For example, if someone always worries about everything, they’re likely to feel insecure a majority of the time, which will in turn negatively affect relationships and their ability to achieve goals. The outcome reinforces the faulty belief (that things are likely to go wrong), and it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.

One of the most common REBT techniques is imagery or visualization, whether guided by self or another. We imagine ourselves in a circumstance that typically brings us anxiety, for example, and we walk ourselves through the situation step by step, envisioning a more positive outcome. Let’s say you tend to feel anxious in a small space; in the comfort of your own home, you could close your eyes and imagine yourself in a small space, yet take that internal imagery step by step to see yourself not becoming anxious, or letting go of anxiety, taking deep breaths, feeling cozy in and even comforted by the small space instead. This isn’t magic, of course, so a one-time visualization as such is not a cure; however, if reinforced through repetition, eventually the experience in reality won’t have the same anxiety-triggering effect as it once did; you’ll have rewired your brain.

Similar to the ABC model we saw above for CBT, an ABCDE model is used in REBT. This begins with an Activating event, the external stimulus that triggers how we feel or think; our automatic Belief(s) about the event, ourselves, and other people; the Consequence or outcome, emotional and/or behavioral; then: your internal Dispute, by which you question these beliefs; and, Effective behavior or a new outcome, in which, by resisting irrational beliefs, you have changed your pattern of behavior.

Let’s go back to the example of anxiety in small spaces. The small space is the activating event or trigger; our belief may be that we’re somehow trapped in such settings. The consequence is that we become anxious, and perhaps avoid such places whenever possible, thereby limiting our life. Our dispute is in self-talk (again, repetition is required for results), that we are not trapped in such circumstances and could leave at any time, that we have enough air and are physically and emotionally okay, and that this is likely stemming from some much earlier experience rather than the current situation. Here is where a visualization exercise would also be useful. Finally, our effective behavior is that we can comfortably be in small spaces and stop placing limitations on ourselves.

In identity crisis, we can carefully analyze our irrational beliefs, and dispute them: I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I can’t hold a job, I’ll never amount to anything, life will never be joyful again, I’m not capable of this new role, and so on. We can instead work to reorganize these beliefs, for a healthier identity reformation as we go through this time of transition.

In disputing irrational beliefs, we can ask ourselves (and explore in journaling, and in imagery / visualization): What is the self-defeating irrational belief that I’d like to dispute and reduce or eliminate? Am I able to support this belief with objective facts? What proof is there that this belief is false? Is there any proof that this belief is true? What’s the worst possible outcome that could occur, if I fail to get what I believe that I must? What’s the worst possible outcome if I get what I believe that I must not? What other negative things could happen to me? What positive things could I cause to happen instead, even if my undesirable scenarios come true?

Conscious transformation to a new identity. CBT and REBT can help.

[Extracted from, 9 Keys to Embracing Change: Personal Growth ©2023]

Nature, as cliché as this may seem, is our true home.

We’re animals, after all, primates, even as we pride ourselves on superiority, and the natural world has a profound effect on us at an unconscious, purely biological level as a result. We find ourselves deeply at peace, as we vibrate in tune with our environment.

When we live in urban settings, or suburbia with all of its artifices, we can still connect with nature on a daily basis – that tree in front of our apartment building, the plants in our window boxes, the park nearby, the squirrels and pigeons and street cats, sunshine, rain, sky, that breeze through our open window – indeed, other humans – nature is everywhere, even when we think that it’s not, if we only shift our focus. If living in such built-upon settings, we’ll also want to make a weekly trip to a nearby forest, the ocean, a mountain, or whatever natural environment we have in which we can wholly immerse ourselves.

Think of it as nature-bathing. Or of healing and restoration. And if we have this practice in place – of daily noticing nature all around us, of weekly immersing ourselves therein – of truly taking note of the natural world and our place within it – we’re building our resilience for times of adversity or the chaos of change that are always ahead. We’re also reminding ourselves that change is natural, as growth – but also decline, decay, death, and then sprouting and growing again – are all very much the natural rhythm of the earth, and we too are a part of it. This can be deeply reassuring when going through any process of change.

In embracing the idea of change, as a character trait, a life process, or a worldview, we can resonate with the earth in this way. She has clear cycles of change, of birth-growth-stasis-decline-death-stillness-sprout-rebirth, and we can learn to not only accept the nature of change but welcome it. The more we live in conscious harmony with the earth’s seasons and cycles, the more we embrace change as our natural state of being.

At the present moment, the earth’s ecosystem itself is in a state of profound and chaotic flux, and this is a source of great anxiety to many people. So, beyond building an internal foundation of general connectedness as described, how can this relationship with nature be helpful in our process of transition, when she too is unstable?

It seems to me that we can look at this in two ways: we can see the longstanding existence of nature as a steadying factor, an ever-present source of stability when our personal life seems chaotic; and, we can see nature in an empathetic way, that just as we’re going through a period of change, so is the earth. And perhaps there’s even a third way: in the stress of transition, we close our eyes and mentally travel into nature, to a spot we know because we’ve visited it regularly, allowing this mini mental vacation to bring us peace and reduce our feelings of anxiety.

One day each week, I board a ferry at sunrise (I live in Istanbul) and travel for a glorious hour across the Marmara Sea to reach my favorite island in the city’s archipelago. There, I climb a wooded hill to the tiny island’s low-level peak, often meeting an array of small creatures along the way – and recently, a young black bull; when I reach the top some 30 minutes later, with its grove of tall pines and nearby cliffs overlooking the sea, I sit on the earth for a while with my back against a tree, in meditation – and sing softly to the hooded crows who’ve come for the peanuts that I bring them. Eventually, I descend by another path, now on the opposite side of the island, where I visit a shrine to the land spirits that I’ve built of horse bones, spend time with some stray cats who seek me out each time, visit a rooster and his hens strutting down another path, walk along a small beach to breathe in even more of the sea air and, at this time of year, to watch whole nurseries of adolescent gulls with one adult minder, and take note of all that’s changed since my last visit just one week ago.

This is my respite, my rejuvenation, my religion.

As I’ve built this base within myself, visit after visit after visit (weekly for more than a year now), I know myself to be far more resilient as a result. When I’m trekking on the island I’m often conversing with Nature: apologizing for the harm we humans have done and the stress she’s under, extending my love and gratitude to her, honoring the land spirits as my ancestors, listening to her sounds, the whispers on a breeze. When not on the island, I can close my eyes at any given moment – and I’m there.

In times of my own stress, then, in times of change and uncertainty, I carry the natural world within me and know myself to be a part of it, a deeply stabilizing factor amid any time of change. I can take myself there in my mind, for stress relief; I can sense that my own turmoil is small compared to hers, and that we empathize with one another. And I can refresh this again, week after week, in witness to her cyclic nature of continual change.

I’ve witnessed this in many other people, but two in particular come to mind: Jane Goodall and Sylvia Earle. I had the good fortune to hear Jane speak in Hong Kong, one of my former homes, at a 2010 TEDx Women event I’d helped to facilitate, followed by another event at the HK chapter of Roots & Shoots, her conservation endeavor; it was abundantly clear in her manner of speech and the way that she carried herself: the jungle, in which she’s spent so much time through the years, has taken up residence within her. When spending time with Sylvia at IUCN’s 2012 World Conservation Congress, held on Korea’s Jeju Island where I lived, it was equally clear that the sea, which ‘Her Deepness’ has spent her life studying from deep within and attempting to protect through her Mission Blue foundation, resides equally in her. (Just a year later, though I was not in attendance, these 2 remarkable women would appear for the first time together on a Miami stage, to jointly promote the protection of “the blue and the green”.)

As you too begin to more regularly immerse yourself in nature, whether by tending a garden or in visits to a forest, try to spend some time in meditation there; hug a tree, leave a (biodegradable) offering, write a poem, sing to some crows. Rather than just visiting a park in order to picnic and play baseball, though nothing wrong with those, engage with nature on a deeper level. Resonate with her, feel that connection, get your hands in the soil, imagine your own roots extending from the soles of your feet down into the earth, and let the natural world take up residence within you.

Recognize her changes, her cycles. Resonate with them in your own life. Draw deep into your core the bodily-felt sense that change is our true nature.

As a source of sustenance, of ancient stability and deep rootedness, of solitude and perspective, of stillness, of peak experience and insight: I wholeheartedly recommend a regular immersion in the natural world.

[excerpted from, Intercultural Competence ©2023]

Our Big Question: What are the essential intercultural skills, and how can I develop them?

So, we’ve looked at the meaning of culture, and of intercultural competence; we’ve further explored some key models that explain the process of gaining such competence, and frameworks by which we can better understand across cultural borders. What concrete steps can we now take?

Our first two areas to address, as they represent major barriers to our intercultural skills, include the transformation of ethnocentrism into ethnorelativism, and overcoming stereotypes.

It may seem that we can simply say, I understand that my culture isn’t superior to others and that all cultures have their own value; I’m eager to learn about others, and I maintain a high degree of cross-cultural respect. That’s a great starting point. And if you’ve also traveled widely, or live in a highly diverse city and have friends and colleagues of various cultural backgrounds, or belong to a diverse family, you may be a few stages down this path. It’s still worth noting, however, that ethnocentrism is largely unconscious – and is based on the indoctrination of culture across our first 18-20 years of life, further reinforced throughout adulthood.

Wishing it away is not enough.

In a mixed group where everyone is attempting to understand across cultural borders and no one is in a majority, ethnocentrism may be less in play; such a situation forces everyone to think broadly and actively, rather than on auto-pilot. If you’ve traveled to another country, however, or otherwise been in a situation whereby everyone else belongs to the same ethnic or cultural group apart from you, you may have found yourself internally reactive. Why do they all talk at once? Why do they never say what they think? Why do they all defer to the manager? Why are they so emotional?

Why am I so uncomfortable?

Ethnocentrism. You’re culturally confused because, deep within the core of your enculturated mind, your native culture is the norm against which everything else is gauged.

Another example: any social media discussion group. Such groups tend to have a majority of Americans, one of the more insular nations with few other cultures nearby (oceans instead, and only 2 countries on the borders); comments will very often reference the poster’s home state rather than country, or other US-specific details, as the commenter is seemingly unaware that there are others (in a group of, say, 50k members) who aren’t in the same country and don’t know or care about said in-group references. Ethnocentrism.

So how do we develop toward ethnorelativism, and in particular, that ultimate category of integration?

We begin with self-awareness. Unless you’re a psychologist like me, or have been in therapy, are a journal-writer, meditator, or self-help devotee, chances are you don’t know yourself all that well. And if you’re from a culture with a high degree of collectivism, you may never have focused on yourself. In my early experience in Korea, nearly 2 decades ago (the society, like many another, is changing rapidly), I asked a 30-year old Korean woman what she thought about something, and after pausing, she said, “When I’m asked what I think, and it’s usually by westerners, I don’t know what to say – because I was never taught to think about myself.”

Getting to know yourself, and then developing a greater awareness of your own culture (for those in especially collectivist societies, the latter is perhaps the starting point), will go a long way toward helping you to identify those moments when you’re reacting based on your own individual and/or cultural reference points.

We begin to become more aware of our own ethnocentrism when it appears. We must pay attention to our reactions and responses to the cultural norms of others. If we feel superiority: red flag. If we feel their way is somehow wrong: ditto. It’s common, when people go abroad and ‘hit the wall’ about 3 months in (after the honeymoon period in which everything is novelty and adventure and excitement), when culture shock becomes a daily stressor and everything is irritating, to find oneself regularly thinking, “How stupid” or “Why do they do it like that?” or “I just wish that for once they’d—” all of which are serious red flags. (These are classic ethnocentric responses, judging others on the basis of one’s own cultural norms – and in this example, also a sign of stress that needs managing.) The more aware we become, every time that it surfaces, the more we move away from an ethnocentric stance.

Further, never assume that you know or understand. Instead, always ask questions and reflect, and then reconsider even that. For example, if I’ve had a conversation with someone from a culture different than my own, and even though we’re speaking the same language, I need to ask for clarification at any time that I’m not 100% sure of their meaning. Then, after we’ve parted ways, I need to take a bit more time to reflect on our conversation, in case I might have misunderstood anything else. I must ask myself, am I certain of the meaning? Could there have been any other interpretation? And if I’m not entirely sure, perhaps I need to text or call the other person to ask another question or two. As well, use conversational tactics like, “What I think you mean is this” or “I’m not entirely sure that I understand” and generally get more information (without becoming tedious!) rather than making any determination on insufficient data. Not only are you clarifying, but you’re reinforcing to your own subconscious that questioning what one thinks one knows (i.e., cultural bias) is a standard practice – of critical thinking.

This is generally good communication strategy within one’s own culture, too.

Two more methods for moving beyond ethnocentrism: encountering people from other cultures, and maintaining a high degree of respect for others at all times – especially in regard to differences. (Also sound practice within one’s own culture.) In the first, the more culturally diverse people we meet, converse and otherwise interact with, learn from, and find commonalities with, the more we convince our unconscious that there’s a very broad spectrum of culture – and erase just a bit of that earlier programming. Practice, practice, practice! And in the second, again: we’re using high-level respect to change our unconscious mind that believes ‘different’ is equal to ‘against the norm’ and therefore ‘wrong’.

Like any skill, we don’t acquire this overnight. And the reason I’m emphasizing the unconscious mind, which well-meaning people such as one’s parents have conditioned so that you’ll fit into your own culture as an adult, is because simply thinking away one’s bias through a shift in perspective isn’t enough; the conditioning isn’t in the conscious mind. Remember, only the first 2 of 6 stages in this model were cognitive; we then move through 2 emotional stages and finally, 2 that are behavioral – before we can hope to reach a state of integrated ethnorelativism.

It’s worth the effort.

Similarly, we must work to overcome our stereotypes. You may think you don’t have any. I assure you, they lurk in your unconscious mind just the same. Some, we’re taught in childhood; others we’ve acquired by various means. As an example, no matter how often I have positive interactions with German people and no matter how many good friends I may have who are in fact German, I have a gut reaction to the language itself – precisely, I know, because I grew up watching films about Nazis and the Holocaust. Early programming. I’m working on that. In addition to visits to the country, German friends, music in German, and other efforts…I’m also studying the language itself.

How do we change our stereotypes? Two ways: a change in perspective, and specific action steps. The perspective change is twofold: recognition that we all have implicit biases (rather than maintaining that you don’t have any), and that these biases will negatively impact our cross-cultural interactions and outcomes. And, we must accept the responsibility of identifying and understanding our own implicit biases.

Action steps begin with stereotype replacement. If I think that all men are aggressive, for example, I need to replace that with alternatives: perhaps not all men, perhaps not even most men, perhaps it isn’t even inherently male but socially conditioned, perhaps ‘aggressive’ is a broad spectrum with many nuances. (Violence and ‘mansplaining’, for example, are both domineering behaviors but at opposite ends of an aggression scale.) Another step I can take is in countering my stereotypic image: in this case, I could think of all the men I know who don’t fit that stereotype.

We can also individuate, which is the ultimate stereotype-eraser; stereotypes, after all, are in the generalization, thinking that ‘all’ of a certain group fit a particular descriptor. Even if there’s a grain of truth (surely, some men are aggressive), in no such typing can there be a 100% or even a high percentage of accuracy. This goes for ‘positive’ stereotyping as well; if I think all Asians (a very large and diverse group indeed, with nearly 50 countries spread over the world’s largest continent) are good at science and math…I’m still generalizing. It’s weak thinking at the very least. In individuating, we condition ourselves to view each person individually, focusing on personal attributes rather than group identification. This can be challenging, as we’re attempting to learn more about the world’s cultures and their features just as we’re also trying to become aware of and remove our own stereotypes – by focusing on the individual instead.

Perspective-taking can also help, which is attempting to view something – a particular event or situation, life, the world – through the eyes of another. This of course increases our empathy, and also helps to reduce stereotype. Actual contact is perhaps the most helpful. At first, we may think the person we know simply isn’t like others of his/her culture or ethnic group, that they’re somehow an exception; we’re still holding onto our stereotype, if so. But the more people we know from any given group, the weaker that stereotype will become.

Emotional regulation is yet another method. Question yourself, your emotional reactions to other people, and use positive emotion as a tool to reduce any stereotypic response. If members of a certain group frighten you, try reframing that emotion; watch comedians or musicians who are from that same group, for example. And finally, learn and practice mindfulness, as a way of living. In its focus on the present moment, and as you refine this skill, it will help you to recognize stereotypes that arise well before you act on them.

Beyond transforming our ethnocentrism into integrated ethnorelativism, and learning to recognize and release our stereotypes, both of which are the removal of barriers, there are several proactive core skills of intercultural competence. Next: comfort with diversity.

While our focus is intercultural, we must remember the complexity of culture and understand that this means encountering diversity on a massive scale. Humans, however, are far more comfortable with sameness; at a deep level, difference feels disturbing. We tend to have friends who think like us, create social media ‘silos’ in which we only see news or posts from sources with which we agree, and generally soothe ourselves with similarity. So how can we increase our comfort with diversity?

By our open-mindedness and curiosity, for a start. As we foster our curiosity, our desire to know, learn, and experience new things, we reduce our resistance to difference. We must also become less concerned with making mistakes and looking foolish, for as we engage with those who aren’t like us, we’ll often be wrong in our perceptions or make cultural errors. By learning to accept this and just shrug it off, and even laugh at ourselves, we can more easily embrace diverse experiences.

One of the ways to do so is to practice catastrophizing – something you don’t actually want to do as a habit, only to use as a tool for a specific result. That is, to imagine the worst possible outcome. Think what will happen if you make a cultural gaffe, even a big one. You may be mortified, people from that culture might be initially insulted, but in the end…it simply won’t matter.

Bill Gates visited Korea during the time of Park Geun-hye’s presidency, and when he met her, he kept his hand in his pocket – something Koreans, a fairly formal culture, don’t do and view as exceptionally casual – and a sign of profound disrespect to their president, and by extension, the nation. It caused a great stir, for perhaps a week at most – then was quickly forgotten. When Barack Obama visited Japan during his presidency, he bowed deeply to his counterpart as well as shaking his hand – the proper hybrid greeting in modern-day Japan. Back in the US, Americans (particularly those in the opposition party) expressed horror that their president would bow to another, in American culture a sign of considerably lower status – whereas in Japan it was simply a respectful greeting. In a week: forgotten.

At the same time as we work to embrace difference, we want to seek commonality. A caution: to simply take the view that we’re all humans and therefore alike is to discount the very real and significant impact of culture (much like saying, I don’t see color, meaning race or ethnicity). Rather, we can look for ways that we’re similar in addition to those in which we’re different, and build on the former.

Proactively educating oneself on any area of difference or ignorance is always helpful. The more we know, the less emotional impact diversity will have. We can also seek out direct encounter, conversations across borders of culture, politics, and other, to practice and develop our comfort with diversity – in neutral space and with an exceedingly respectful attitude, of course, and asking questions as a way of seeking knowledge. Finally, we must also be aware of any power differential or privilege. When speaking to others, if you’re from a wealthy nation and the other from an impoverished one, for example, this sensitivity must be built into the conversation.

Another core skill can be found in enhancing one’s cultural knowledge, and in proficiency with any of the previously discussed frameworks. As you begin working with them, you’ll find your awareness of other cultures will quickly grow. You could begin with the world’s top 10 cultures, for example, perhaps based on population (China and India, for a start), and see how they’re categorized across several of those various frameworks. Then, learn about major events in that country’s history, current issues of concern (all quite easy to access in today’s digital landscape), and endeavor to meet people from that culture.

Building our cultural knowledge one-by-one isn’t all that effective, but if we begin with some of the largest countries, we’ll have a good start. Beyond that, look at characteristics common to cultural clusters – Latin America, for example – which will also begin to build a foundation of knowledge, and with the understanding that there are also many distinctions among the various cultures in the region. We begin, of course, with what they have in common.

Direct experience is always useful, but be aware that one individual does not a culture make; I myself am not particularly American, especially after so many years abroad, and originally from highly diverse New York – so perhaps I wouldn’t be your best bet to learn more about US culture. The more people we meet, however, the more we learn. Go spend time in a Chinatown, or any other ethnically-grouped neighborhood. Immerse yourself in whatever cultures are available. Let them know that you’re there to learn, that you want to know more about their culture, which is universally appreciated. Ask questions, observe, reflect, and never assume that your own interpretation is the whole story, or perhaps even accurate. Check and recheck instead. Attend multicultural events, conferences, webinars; seek out a club or volunteer organization for intercultural exchange. Online versions of this are especially good, with participants from around the world.

One particular area of skill is that of cross-cultural communication. (We’ll have a whole chapter on this soon.) Generally, practice mindful communication: listen more, talk only with awareness and care; use active listening techniques, in which you pay careful attention, don’t interrupt, don’t simply focus on your next point, and don’t dominate the conversation. Avoid dismissiveness; focus on ‘I’ messages, not in talking about yourself (that’s not your aim) but in keeping the focus neutral: “I understand what you’re saying as this” or “I’m not sure that I understand”. Be also aware that many cultures are indirect, and use a good deal of softeners in their conversation; a direct style such as you may be accustomed to will simply feel rude to the other. Soften your approach. Listen and learn from lived experience. As well, keep body language and facial expression to a minimum, and don’t assume that you understand that of the other; this is an area especially fraught with mistakes.

Another core skill is that of conflict resolution. As we attempt to increase our intercultural understanding and competence, and as we engage with others across cultural barriers, we’ll also encounter conflict. Good resolution begins with those communication skills above, especially active listening. Empathy and perspective-taking are also useful; pause, take a deep breath, then attempt to see the argument or situation through the eyes of the other person – and ask them to do the same, if only for a moment. Seek commonality; aim for any possible area of collaboration. Understand that not all disagreement or conflict can be resolved, and that a stance of mutual respect is an acceptable alternative. At the same time – don’t be afraid of conflict. We’re attempting to resolve it, but not by merely ignoring it or being too acquiescing; rather, we seek mutual understanding.

Last, but absolutely not least (in fact, this is perhaps the take-home point): we need to increase our skills of flexibility and adaptability. Part attitude – we can make up our minds to be both – and part skill, we must practice this daily. Intercultural competence is an essential 21st century, digital era skill set – one prone to tensions and difficulties, misunderstandings, and a great deal of work. It will change who we are, as we let go of our own tightly held cultural identity just enough so that we can meet others halfway and learn to appreciate theirs as well. And to do that, we must be flexible when things go wrong, and adaptable to new circumstances.

Problem-solving skills are key. You can get workbooks of hypothetical problem-solving; you can also regularly engage in creativity of any kind, for creative thinking and problem-solving are first cousins. Be as open-minded as possible, not all-accepting but seeing from as many alternate perspectives as you can, and considering other intentions and outcomes than those you first determined.

Regularly assess your ego; don’t assume that anything is personally intended or meant to hurt your pride. (It might be – but more likely, it isn’t about you at all.) Practice mindfulness daily (just 10 minutes a day brings results, in focusing your attention and keeping you in the present moment); encounter diversity, in any form, as often as possible, and challenge yourself in a variety of ways. Learn a language or musical instrument; put yourself deliberately in situations or with people who are unfamiliar to you. And learn a few stress reduction methods that can be applied instantly, in almost any situation: breathing techniques, mini mental vacations, pressure points, and hand massage are a few such techniques.

Above all: keep going, one step at a time. And take a regular break from the world, too. (I recommend a weekly Internet disconnect and nature-based mental recharge.)

Exercises:

Discussion or Contemplation: Which of these areas of core skills do I already possess to at least a moderate degree? In which do I need to improve?

Writing or Recording: What next steps can I take, and how, to work on those areas in which I’m not yet strong?

Further Reading: Interculturally Effective People https://ecampusontario.pressbooks.pub/communications/chapter/intercultural-effectiveness/

Now in Progress: Psyche & Spirit, a new book series by Dr Anne! Published in succession from now through March. Chrysalis to Cronehood already published and available. Next up: Ecopsychology, Ecospirituality, due out by Wednesday 24 January!