[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Befriending Stress: Personal Growth ©2023]

In our second key, we use reframing to befriend stress.

Reframing is a method for looking at the same circumstance from a multitude of perspectives, and then choosing which view best suits our aims. The concept emerged from family systems psychology and the work of Virginia Satir, a leading researcher in the field.

This perspective shift isn’t meant as toxic positivity – it’s not a superficial positive sheen nor a ‘new age’ process of manifestation. Rather, it’s a multi-step tool for broadening our minds and for shifting perspective.

In this, it can help both as we work to form our stress-as-beneficial mindset, and also to shift our view when actually in the throes of a major stressor.

Today, reframing has been integrated into CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy, the most widely used approach – as a way of changing patterns of unhealthy or faulty thinking. We may consider, then, a view of stress as negative and harmful to be a form of distorted thinking that we wish to change.

As an example, we may approach a given situation thinking that it isn’t going to go well. We may have some prior experience or other evidence leading us to this conclusion; we may also be riddled with doubt in the capability of either ourself or others, that results in this view. In reframing, we may ask ourselves, do I actually know this? could there be other outcomes? what would a positive outcome look like? as steps toward a consideration of alternate perspectives and a challenging, and ultimate reframing, of our original assumption.

And why would we want to do that? In a word (or term): self-fulfilling prophecy.

If we have already decided a situation isn’t going to go well, we might be pleasantly surprised by a good outcome; far more likely, however, especially if the circumstances are predicated on our own actions, is that we’ve sabotaged ourselves through our negative thinking. The reframing is not a falsely positive one of “everything’s going to be fine”; rather, it simply questions the veracity of such a prediction, asks for proof, and considers alternate outcomes, perhaps even envisioning them. “What would a positive outcome look like?” is far different than “everything’s going to be fine.”

Perhaps it’s becoming obvious by now how this can be applied to stressful circumstances. Even in dire stress, such as that natural disaster, we can begin reframing once the initial physical and emotional stabilization process has been achieved. At this point, we begin asking ourselves, are there any positive or beneficial outcomes to this? if so, what could they look like? In so doing, we aren’t yet setting goals toward such result; we’re initiating the process, by shifting how we think about it.

You can also see, then, that we must have already established our stress-as-beneficial mindset in order to even consider such reframing. If we haven’t, then major stress is just that – stress – with many harmful and few positive outcomes. If our mindset has changed, then even in the direst stress, we first stabilize – and then we begin to reframe.

Again, this is NOT a look to the bright side or a matter of clouds and silver linings. Rather, we’ve learned that stress brings positive outcomes both biological and psychological; we’re now reframing our understanding of the current stressful situation, so that we may consider what those positive outcomes might be. Only after such reframing can we then begin to identify the steps necessary to achieve such outcomes.

The stress-as-beneficial mindset includes those mechanisms of the body to return to a state of balance following the impact of a major stressor or shock, as well as more long-term positive outcomes such as personal growth. When stress comes along, then, we first allow our body and mind to restabilize, in the acute phase; then, usually within one month of that originating event, when we’re moving into the more chronic stage, we begin with this process of reframing.

In the early 1980s in New York, gay men began getting ill from something we didn’t yet understand, and the typical prognosis was death within a year of diagnosis. These were most often young and healthy men, and this crisis of what would later come to be known as HIV/AIDS propelled many, myself included, to become involved not only in their care and support but also in activism for political change and necessary funding. Time after time, in support groups for those afflicted with HIV, people would say that the diagnosis – a stress of extreme level – was the best thing that had happened to them, that it had changed their life for the better. Medication that would allow people to live with, rather than die from, AIDS would not emerge for another decade or more; those making such statements knew their time was short. Nevertheless, because of their illness, many came to recognize changes in their relationships with family, in how they viewed themselves, and in the significance of their lives as they fought for recognition, and for social change.

Let’s look at a related example that we’ve all experienced, or will: the loss of a loved one. Whether sudden and shocking or the end of Grandma’s long life, it’s loss to be grieved, though the former is more representative of a major stressor and thus more likely to be destabilizing and debilitating. The body and mind restabilization process doesn’t mean that the emotional pain of loss has changed; it simply means that the shock of it has now worn off, leaving the stress behind. Grief takes a long time to process, and while we don’t stop mourning our loss, we do most often reach a point of functioning again; if we don’t, then our grief has become more pathologically debilitating. No one would ever suggest any positives in the actual loss of a loved one. We can, however, look at the potential for positive outcomes in the long-term; we may become more empathetic toward and supportive of others, for example, and strengthen our social bonds, while our own resilience to stress can potentially grow stronger through this devastating experience.

This reframing isn’t a one-time process (in each period of stress, that is); instead, we must also engage it on a daily basis as distorted or faulty thinking arises. We may be in the midst of a stressor such as the example above, and reach the point at which we’re able to reassess and reorganize our view, from one of total devastation to that of a painful loss with possible long-term growth potential. At many other points, however, when we find ourselves slipping back into harmful thought patterns – I can’t cope, I won’t be able to go on, nothing good can come from this, I’m not capable – we have another chance for reframing to more helpful and also more accurate patterns of thought.

This also isn’t a mere ‘stress is bad’ vs ‘stress is good’ shift. We’re looking for our related thought patterns underlying the former, so that we can transform them into support of the latter. Rather than ‘stress is bad’, we look out for ‘I’m such a failure’ or ‘I can’t endure this’ or ‘this is going to make me sick’. We look into our own minds for such harmful beliefs, question and challenge them, and reframe them into possible alternatives. Have I always failed at everything? What gives me the certainty that I’ll fail this time, before I’ve even begun? What makes me think I can’t endure this? Is there evidence to the contrary, times that I have endured great stress, and do I perhaps have even more or better support in place this time? Is it possible that this isn’t going to make me sick, but stronger?

By simply opening the questions, without the need to answer them, we’ve undermined our previous faulty thinking and begun to change those patterns for the better.

Then, and only then, after we’ve recognized such patterns and asked ourselves if there might be evidence to the contrary or a potential alternate outcome, can we begin to change such patterns to healthier thinking. The questions above may morph into ‘sometimes I fail but sometimes I succeed’ or ‘I’ve gained new skills / maturity / support and am likely to experience stress differently this time’ or ‘perhaps this will make me stronger, instead’.

Keeping a journal can be helpful. Visualizing possible alternate outcomes – quieting the mind and imagining, in rich detail, what those might be and how they might play out – is another useful technique. Saying aloud the reframed thought pattern – ‘I am capable’ or ‘I can endure’ or ‘this will make me stronger’ or ‘I am well supported’ – while looking into your own eyes in a mirror is also powerful; you’re repatterning your mind through repetition, while speaking directly to your unconscious mind.

If while in the stressful period you can’t envision alternative outcomes or engage in reframing negative thought patterns, try viewing this as a movie or a novel. Consider your life story on the screen or the page, happening to someone else, the main character. If all proceeded as expected from the beginning, a movie or book would be predictable and rather boring; instead, we need plot twists. What could those plot twists to your story be? Also, how might other characters in the story view this circumstance, in ways different from that of the main character?

As you’re working to alter your viewpoint, you want to feel those emotions even so; this isn’t about cajoling oneself out of negative feelings. Rather, it’s about learning to see the situation for what it is: the good with the bad, positive outcomes alongside painful or disturbing emotions.

Finally, self-compassion. Give yourself the same compassion in stressful times that you’d show to anyone else, especially those you care about. Surround yourself with love, support, forgiveness, kindness. We may be aiming to make stress our friend, and to see its benefits, but it’s a challenging experience even so.

Reframing.

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Identity Crisis & Resolution: Personal Growth ©2023]

Mindfulness is one a form of meditation…and so much more.

Trait, state, and practice, we can simply live our lives in a mindful way (and become ever more mindful as a character trait) by paying attention to the details of our lives.

Mindfulness is also very much about emotional intelligence and regulation, considered a system of mental training. In this way especially, it’s very useful for any period of change – and even more so in a reorganization of one’s identity.

After all, change doesn’t get much more transformational than this, that we become someone new. And it can bring up a great deal of emotions, and emotional lability, that we want to allow ourselves to fully experience. At the same time, we want to better understand what it is that we’re feeling, and to be able to exert some measure of management. (I don’t like the word ‘control’ here. We don’t want to suppress our feelings, just to feel that they are not in charge of us. Less reactive.)

In mindfulness practice, we focus, notice, and detach.

We notice all the richness that’s around us, the small moments of joy, and in this way, we can live our lives more deliberately. We’re also noticing the details of self in the same way, which helps us navigate the reorganization into a new identity.

The same is true for our emotions. In mindfulness meditation, when a feeling arises, we take note of it, and identify it as well as what may be beneath or motivating it. Oh, I’m feeling sad, I wonder what that’s about; ah, I see, it’s my feelings of loss, along with a bit of apprehension at the coming change. And then: we let it go. Rather than trying to push it away, we notice it, see what may be generating it, and then we gently let it drift away like a cloud, or a puff of smoke.

The more you practice, the easier this becomes, and it spills over into your everyday life whether you’re meditating or not. Just going about your day, as emotions arise, rather than reacting along with them, you’ll more objectively notice, observe, then gain a bit of distance or objectivity, and not let it take control of you. Emotional regulation.

If you wish, you can keep a mindfulness journal (writing/audio/video). There you can maintain a record of feelings that arise, of what’s behind them, and of your success (or not) at letting them drift away again. In this, you’re giving second attention to your feelings, and again, in a more analytical and objective way.

While our emotions can be attached to our body’s chemistry, whether endocrine (hormonal) or neurochemical (brain), this acts as the biological trigger – but the emotion still resides in and is registered by our mind. Mindfulness as mental training, then, allows us to have greater awareness of and management over our emotions rather than being at the mercy of what we’re feeling.

In the course of identity crisis, it’s all too easy to get caught up in our emotions, especially if the trigger of the crisis is an emotionally-based one (trauma, for example, as opposed to my decision to move abroad). In the end, this doesn’t serve us; identity also resides in and is organized by the mind, and we need ours to be clear and free so that we can begin to understand what we’re going through and to reconstruct our identity into its new self.

In adults who’ve had childhood trauma, typically there is both a lack of emotional regulation and a diffuse or unclear identity; the trauma has gotten in the way of healthy development. This further leads to vulnerability in relationships and potential for addiction as well as mental illness. A focus on emotional regulation often helps to disrupt this pattern and better allow for increased identity awareness and mental wellbeing. A similar principle applies, then, when we have formed a healthy identity and haven’t such childhood history, but experience a disruptive event in adulthood; emotional regulation is the key to restoring balance, so that we might better formulate a new identity in the aftermath.

Self-regulation of emotions is a key element in emotional resilience. If we develop this skill now, when not in crisis, then we can better return to it when we are. Overall, the more we understand and regulate our emotions, the more resilient we are when times of major change or impact arise.

Mindfulness also helps us shift our locus of control from external to internal. At the same time that we learn to let go, to surrender to the experience and to allow emotions to drift on rather than to define or control us, we also learn that we can approach life itself mindfully. In this, we aim neither to control our environment nor be passively buffeted by it; instead, we begin to understand more deeply that thoughts and emotions originate within us, and that we have the choice to be defined by them or not. We aren’t controlled by external events, though they do indeed occur as they will and often without our agreement; our response to them, however, and their effect on us, is very much an internal process.

We might also use a mindful regulation of emotion consciously, deliberately, as a tool for reframing those emotions. When in the midst of identity dis-/reorganization, in crisis mode, we can not only notice and focus on our emotions but specifically will them to change, before letting them drift away. Similar to waking in the night from a nightmare, not wanting to return to sleep right away so as not to reenter the same story, we sometimes naturally rewrite it instead – staying awake long enough to reorganize the dream’s story for a better, less disturbing outcome. The monster dissolves, the killer drops the knife and begins sobbing instead, or whatever works, so that if we do resume the story with a return to sleep, it will take a different turn. We can do this with emotion, too; mindfulness gives us the skill to recognize and to look beneath, and we can shift that superficial feeling to the one beneath it before it drifts away. This is emotional intelligence 2.0, and gives us a more authentic experience. We could go even further, shifting that fear into peace, or perhaps even joy, for example.

Emotional intelligence places our emotions within our own ability to regulate – including, change.

And the more we’re in charge of our emotions, and functioning objectively, the better we can focus on the task at hand: our becoming.

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Embracing Change: Personal Growth ©2023]

Our second key is that of perspective-taking. In periods of change, we do well to open and stretch our perspective as much as we can.

We want to consider the change itself from as many angles as possible, which will not only help us find new ways of getting through the transition but also of meaning-making along the way. Is it simply to be endured? Or can we find new sources of meaning in this time and process of transition?

Broadening our perspective will also allow us to increase our empathy, and our compassion for others, as we try to view this circumstance through their eyes – anyone’s eyes, beyond our own. We can go about this in three ways: attempting to view the change through the perspective of as many of those directly involved as possible; looking at it from the perspective of our own various selves – the professional me, the family member me, the loyal friend me, etc.; and thirdly, by studying our transition through the lens of various uninvolved people – not ones we know, but rather, how would this look to a stranger? How would it appear to a teacher, a policeman, a priest? Or the difference between the view of a man and that of a woman? Or through the eyes of a child, a young adult, middle-aged, elder? Or someone of another race or ethnicity, religion, political persuasion, or–? In any one of these exercises, we’re increasing our mental flexibility by looking at this time of change through a range of viewpoints. In the end, we just might find we’ve gained insight we never anticipated.

Certainly, if you’re undertaking a process of personal change with the support of a therapist or coach, they’ll be asking you questions such as these. Looking at any given situation from a multitude of perspectives always leads to new insight.

A different way of perspective-taking lies in modalities. Analyzing this time of change in writing, in telling a friend, in making an audio recording of your thoughts – or a video, in drawing or painting something related to it, in designing a graph or chart, in a poem or song or dance – all these and more are various modes of expression and exploration, and each will provide its own unique perspective, from which you can expand not only your view but how you may choose to go through the transition itself.

In embracing change, we’re attempting not just to like it, not only to appreciate its worth, but to actually go through the process as consciously as possible so that we may reduce our anxiety, increase our sense of agency, and use the experience for our own personal growth. In broadening our perspective, we’ll catch new hints of meaning, glimpses of interpretation, and ways of experiencing the change that we hadn’t considered – as well as applications to our own development.

Consider any benefits you may gain from the experience. In efforts of personal growth that we’ve initiated, such benefits are typically our primary motivation for doing so; I want to become healthier, or gain the skills for a better job, or change my toxic relationship patterns. Even the most challenging of changes, and perhaps not in the early stages of change but later, after you’ve gotten over some of the shock, you may find benefits to be gained. Be very honest with yourself; sometimes, there’s benefit in the sympathy and attention we get from others, or in seeing ourselves as victimized so that we needn’t take any responsibility. At the least, you’ll know how to help someone else who’s going through a similar transition at a later date. At best, if this is a change you initiated or welcome, you may find benefits beyond those you’d already expected.

In another aspect of perspective-taking, compare and contrast this change with others you’ve experienced. You’ll likely be doing this anyway, as a natural outcome – we generally do – but you can take it on more deliberately. Make a chart. Or a 2-column list. Find similarities and differences between this and other life-changing events you’ve experienced. What can you apply or adapt from those earlier experiences to this one?

Use visualization to explore all possible outcomes – even the scary or ugly ones, major as well as minor. Do this, though, as if you’re watching a movie, and about someone else’s life. If even that seems too difficult, remove yourself one more degree from the experience; imagine that you’re standing at a distance, watching someone else who is watching the movie that is your current life. Catastrophize. Allow this ‘movie’ to be a disaster film, a thriller, a horror, an action movie – or, a romantic comedy, a feel-good inspirational film. Consider the worst – and, the best – possibilities. (Again, we tend to do this naturally in times of change; here, we want to do so consciously, within our control instead of spinning out of it.) Extreme possibilities, good or bad, are the least likely as outliers; considering them, however, seeing them in our mind’s eye as we take up our courage and visualize them from start to finish, will lessen their emotional effect and help us to function more effectively.

Change is often a chance for reinvention, for rebooting our life, for a do-over. In our perspective-taking, we want to explore this possibility. How many different ways could this experience change your life, change you? How many possible versions of you could emerge from this experience, as that slightly wet, slightly wobbly, winged and beautiful butterfly? Consider all of your potential butterfly outcomes.

Perspective. And perspective-taking. A deliberate process for going through transition in a conscious, engaged manner.

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Happiness: Positive Psychology ©2023]

The second key to a pleasurable life is self-care — not just as a chore but as a way of nurturing oneself. All that we do for self-care, whether simple hygiene such as taking a bath, or physical exercise, or getting enough sleep, are necessary tasks of life — and also, ways that we self-nurture and self-soothe. Just as parents do for their children, or any caregiver, we are caring for ourselves.

What’s more, these basic tasks of life have a direct bearing on happiness. Physical exercise increases endorphins, our feel-good brain chemicals. Sufficient and good-quality sleep has great bearing on our physical condition and thus on our happiness; too, the brain heals and rejuvenates as we sleep, making it essential to mental self-care. Nutrition, too, is not only a matter of physical but also mental health and wellbeing.

Living in a natural environment — close to nature, or if in a city, perhaps near a park or simply with a tree outside of our window, or a view of the sky, or plants in window boxes; with a creature companion or two, with windows open for a breeze, by eating whole foods — any type and as many ways as we can to integrate elements of the natural world in our lives, we are the better for it. I live in a mega-city of 16 million – and always have lived in dense urban environments – yet, in each location I’ve identified the nature around me in a tree and its birds outside my city apartment window, for example, or a nearby park, or in the case of my current home in Istanbul (and also in a former home, Hong Kong): nearby islands – and thus I can appreciate nature many times a day in my local trees and my window boxes, and also weekly in that visit to an island or a park.

Connectedness is another form of self-care. Humans, even the most introverted, are social creatures. We don’t need a heavy social schedule. But we do need a connection or two. And we need to nurture those relationships. Even as we fully embrace the digital era, even as the convenience of communicating online is appealing in our fast-paced and busy lives, we still require contact with other humans. This can come in many forms, but it is a necessary component to the experience of happiness — and an aspect of self-care.

Connectedness can be found in other ways, too. I feel deeply connected to all of humanity, in a universal interconnectedness and collective unconscious; equally, I am interconnected with all sentient beings regardless of species, ‘sentient’ for me including plant as well as animal kingdoms. I feel profoundly connected with my ancestors, not only of blood – in which there are tens of thousands, and for which genealogy endeavors can strengthen that sense of connectedness – but also of spirit (human ancestors with whom I’ve some connection other than blood), of land (again, nature), and of hearth – spirit of place, of home. We are far, far from isolation.

Self-care can come in many forms: physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual (or metaphysical or philosophical), all manifesting uniquely for each individual. Caring for oneself, not in an ego-centric or narcissistic way but as a form of nurturance, is a core source of happiness.

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Exercises:

A good self-care task is to engage in a brainstorming session and write down as many of our self-care methods as possible — and then, do the same exercise again, with a new sheet of paper or in a blank document if doing it electronically. There are probably methods of self-nurturing that you do without being aware of them as such, considering them maintenance tasks instead. A reframing of this as “how I take good care of myself” is useful, and turns daily tasks into moments of pleasure and happiness.

Another exercise is the sociogram: draw a small circle in the center of a blank sheet of paper, in which you write your own name, then the names of anyone in your innermost circle; draw a ring around that small circle, and add more names in that secondary layer in terms of the closeness of your relationships — and on, to at least 2 more layers. Then contemplate: who do I wish were closer? Who would I prefer to have a bit further away? This gives us a physical model of our connectedness, and reminds us that we can take steps to change the degree of our relationships.

If limited by depression, physical condition, or similar, start small. Determine just 1 thing you can do for yourself, to take care of yourself, every day, even if it’s just for 5 minutes. If physical exercise isn’t possible, then meditation; if meditation feels overwhelming, then make good nutritional choices for the day. What’s one way that you can nurture yourself today?

Identifying our needs (not desires) is an important aspect of self-care. Ask yourself: what do I really need — in my life, in my day, in this moment? And am I capable of giving that, or at least contributing to that, even in a small way?

Self-compassion and self-talk are especially important methods of self-care; treat yourself the way that you would treat a close friend, or someone beloved, or your animal companion. Balanced breathing is also self-care, not only a form of meditation or mindfulness; sitting quietly and breathing slowly and deeply for even 5 minutes is self-nurturing, as we fill our lungs with fresh air and feel our blood and our cells enervate as a direct result. A walk in nature, if possible for you either bodily or in regard to your living environment, is also powerful self-care.

This key, then, is to conceive of all the many ways we take care of ourselves, and to derive many moments of pleasure and happiness from these tasks of daily care, including our engagement in and maintenance of relationships.