[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Mindfulness for Health: Health Psychology ©2023]

Ah, nonjudgment. Silencing the inner critic.

Doesn’t that sound already more peaceful and stress-free?

We all have one. That inner voice that tells us we aren’t good enough, we’re stupid, we’re lazy, we always make this mistake, we’ll never amount to anything. For some of us, it’s louder than for others; yet, we all have at least a whisper, in the dark corners of our mind. That critic can also be pretty loud when reflecting on others around us; whether we truly think we’re better than the other, or whether we’re soothing our own insecurities in this way or projecting them onto the other, the critic is there – and probably inaccurate, and surely unforgiving.

So, how to silence the critic?

In mindfulness practice, as we focus on the inner workings of our mind, we do so with self-compassion – nonjudgment, even love. The more we do so, the quieter the inner critic becomes. Even toward others – as, when we practice compassion toward ourselves, we find it extends to others, and the opposite is also true.

One of the most profound mindfulness practices is the Loving Kindness Meditation as mentioned in our introduction, which will be discussed in detail in the exercises section to follow. Generally, we can choose to specifically focus on compassion toward self and others; we can also practice basic meditation, and as negative thoughts or feelings arise, let them gently drift away again without judging whether they’re right or true or good – in other words, we extend compassion to ourselves when we don’t place any judgment on what we’re thinking and feeling.

In mindfulness we also focus on interconnectedness, or what Thich Nhat Hanh, beloved Buddhist teacher to millions worldwide and who departed his bodily form in January 2022, termed, ‘interbeing’. When I engage in mindfulness, whether in meditation or in practices of daily living, I begin to sense my connectedness not only to all other humans but to all sentient beings. I begin seeing myself in them, and them in me.

I realize increasingly that we’re all doing the best that we can, even if sometimes that ‘best’ is pretty low. I realize that we’re all suffering in some way, all carrying pain, and this too brings great compassion. ‘Interbeing’, while technically not in any dictionary, conceptually takes this a leap further; now, not only are we connected to all humans and other sentient beings, but we are them, and they are us. It’s as if we’re all cells in a larger organism, and even more, the cells not only communicate and interact and depend on one another, but also overlap.

Along with compassion comes forgiveness. As we’re more compassionate toward ourselves, we forgive our shortcomings; the same is true when we extend that compassion to others. Sometimes, one’s relationship with one’s parents may have been toxic; we may feel deeply wounded well into adulthood, and forgiveness is far from our minds. When we extend compassion to our parents in meditation, we find that the pain begins to ease, and we can finally consider letting it go – for our own sake.

Neff (2023) outlines 6 components of self-compassion: increased self-kindness, humanity, and mindfulness (especially, nonattachment), parallel with decreased self-judgment, isolation, and overidentification (attachment); she further identifies self-compassion as a way of processing negative emotions or thoughts that results in wellbeing.

During the height of the recent pandemic, a practice of mindfulness was found to increase self-compassion and psychological wellbeing of university students in Vietnam (Tran et al., 2022), while self-compassion within mindfulness practice was associated with lower emotional exhaustion among health care professionals in UK (Prudenzi et al., 2022), and compassionate mindfulness training had a positive effect on mental health among young adults (aged 21-39) in Taiwan (Lin et al., 2022).

And the health psychologist? One of our most self-defeating aspects as we try to engage in healthy behaviors is this inner critic – the thoughts of ‘not good enough’ or ‘you always fail anyway, so why try?’ Nonjudgment, or learning to let go of self-criticism and treat ourselves with compassion instead, not only helps to silence this self-defeatist thinking but also helps us to believe that we’re worth the effort, and that we’re nurturing ourselves when we take actions that will enhance our health. When we’re able to let go of the tendency to judge ourselves, our motivation can increase enormously. This is the health psychologist’s job as well – and also to assist in discovering what blocks our motivation, which is most often self-defeating thought patterns such as these.

Then, how do we silence the inner critic? How to achieve nonjudgment – when the behavior of others, and of ourselves, can so easily irritate, or worse?

Compassion is the key.

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Exercises:

And so, let’s begin with that Loving Kindness Meditation, which is all about generating compassion. You’ll want to enter a meditative state as with any other – sitting comfortably, quiet mind, distractions minimized, focus on breathing – and then begin to focus on compassion toward yourself. Stay with this for a couple of minutes, allowing yourself to fully feel this self-compassion or self-love. Then gently shift your focus to an extension of your compassion toward someone you care about, with whom you have a close relationship; see the person’s face in your mind’s eye, and let your love expand to that person. Another couple of minutes later, shift your focus to a feeling of compassion toward someone about whom you feel neither particular liking nor dislike but are neutral, perhaps a neighbor or coworker. After a couple of minutes, again shift your focus – now, to someone you actively dislike, extending compassion to that person. Stay with this for a couple of minutes – this is the more challenging part – and then finally, shift your compassionate focus outward, out and out, expanding your compassion to include all sentient beings. Stay with this fifth step for another couple of minutes and then gently bring yourself back to a fully alert state with a few deep and cleansing breaths. You might consider engaging in this meditation weekly.

Acts of kindness also help to grow our compassion and decrease our tendency to judge ourselves or others. One act of kindness toward another person each day, whether stranger or someone you know, plus one act of kindness toward yourself will quickly expand your compassion and nonjudgment. This can be the simplest act, such as saying good morning to a stranger, holding the door open for the person behind you, or letting someone go ahead of you at the market checkout. Toward yourself, it could be in choosing not to be angry with yourself over a mistake you made, being less critical of your appearance, or engaging in some self-nurturing such as taking a walk or having a healthy lunch.

Online, we have numerous opportunities for small acts of kindness. We can like or share someone’s post, write a post about a friend’s new business, leave a positive comment – in other words, engage positively, rather than scrolling by. We can send a text wishing someone a good day or telling them we were just thinking about them. A kindness to oneself may also be to take a cyber-break one day a week.

Another action for decreasing our tendency to judge is to hold onto the phrase, ‘doing the best one can’. Whenever we find ourselves irritated, or thinking negatively about ourself or another, a reminder that the other person – or oneself – may be doing the best they can in that moment can go a long way toward defusing the tendency to judge.

Considering alternatives is another version of the above. When we notice ourselves making a quick judgment about anyone or anything, we may pause, take a breath, and consider whether there might be an alternate explanation. Often there is, and even if we can’t discern it, by asking ourselves the question itself we can let go of the judgment.

When you find yourself being judgmental, you might also ask yourself, ‘do I need to care about this?’ The vast majority of the time, the answer is no. Remaining neutral when we don’t actually need to form any opinion or assessment frees a good deal of energy. The more we practice this, the less we’ll emotionally engage in opinions or judgments that simply aren’t necessary.

Get a puppy. You’ll find your compassion growing and judgment decreasing by the day.

And of course: daily meditation (just 10 minutes a day will do) helps greatly in the cultivation of nonjudgment.

References:

Lin HL, Lin FS, Liu LC et al. (2022). The Moderating Effect of Compassionate Mindfulness on the Psychological Needs and Emotions of Generation Y in the 21st Century in Taiwan. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health 19:9:5458. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19095458

Neff KD (2023). Self-compassion: Theory, method, research, and intervention. Annual review of psychology 74, 193-218. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-031047

Prudenzi A, Graham CD, Flaxman PE et al. (2022). Wellbeing, burnout, and safe practice among healthcare professionals: predictive influences of mindfulness, values, and self-compassion. Psychology, Health & Medicine 27:5, 1130-1143. https://doi.org/10.1080/13548506.2021.1898651

Tran MAQ, Vo-Thanh T, Soliman M et al. (2022). Could mindfulness diminish mental health disorders? The serial mediating role of self-compassion and psychological well-being. Current Psychology. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-03421-3

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Mental Self-Care: Health Psychology ©2023]

Writing is powerful magic.

And the journal, a good therapist.

If you aren’t prone to writing, never fear: this is a type of writing that no one will ever see but you, with zero concern for grammar or spelling or even content – and yet, it can have a truly profound effect on your mental wellbeing.

When we pour our thoughts, emotions, uncertainties, and memories onto the journal page, often almost faster than we can physically write, we find things there that we didn’t know we thought or felt. Confusions become clear, hidden feelings emerge, what we thought important may fall away, and we have a simple yet powerful method for working out what’s going on in our own mind.

Mindfulness, as we saw in our previous key, is another way into the mind, as we closely observe our thoughts and feelings before letting them go. In writing, we do this simply by a different method, and the two complement one another well.

One can begin with a prompt (what am I grateful for today? or: what am I angry about? or countless others, of your choosing) or, you can simply begin writing and see where it takes you each time. This isn’t meant to be a Dear Diary account of your day, however, but an exploration. And writing quickly is suggested, not for the sake of speed but to keep the inner censor at bay. When we write at or near the speed of our thoughts, we soon stop writing for an audience, in excluding what we find shameful or otherwise unacceptable or in any other inauthentic way. Rather, we want to encourage a stream-of-consciousness approach in which we express our thoughts and feelings as freely as possible – and see what happens.

Again, you don’t have to like writing or be a good (or even decent) writer. Naturally, this assumes basic literacy, but nothing more. One could also do this by audio recording, or video, but this is even more likely to engage the inner censor, as we’re also wondering how we sound or what we look like in the video and so on, never mind the content. Writing via keyboard, rather than actual journal of paper and pen, is surely your choice – but for many, rather than the somewhat more artificial layer that technology brings (with a lack of writing/typing speed, and tendency to correct and delete), the experience of pen to paper is a deeper experience. Try both and see which you prefer. The primary aim is a free flow of thoughts and feelings, and a commitment to honesty and authenticity.

Your personal and private therapist, free, available at all times, and who will never tell another living soul. (Keep your journal somewhere private to ensure this, or you won’t ever write honestly.)

I’ve written journals all my life, from adolescence to my current age of nearly 60 years. I don’t retain them; once a book is completed, I soon have a ceremony in which I totally destroy it. I don’t reread them, either; it’s a powerfully therapeutic tool, but once something has been expressed, or I’ve worked it out, I don’t want to revisit and ruminate over it. It’s finished, the page is turned, the journal is ultimately destroyed: catharsis. This is simply my personal method; the choice is yours.

On the first page of each new blank book, and for decades of journals now, I write just one phrase in its center: “…remember who i am…” and then I turn to the next page and begin. This too is my personal way, of anchoring this new journal within my now longstanding tradition of journal-writing, and in reminding myself once more that this isn’t a creation but a revelation of identity.

Ruini & Mortara (2022) described writing therapies, including journal-writing, as a means of investigating one’s thoughts and feelings to promote personal growth and self-healing. In a broad review of the research literature, they demonstrated evidence for symptom and distress reduction, and psychological wellbeing, as a result of therapeutic writing. Gerger et al. (2022) conducted a review of 44 empirical studies totaling 7,724 participants, with strong evidence for the reduction of PTSD symptoms through expressive writing.

Journal writing for the management of mental illness was reviewed in 20 empirical studies with 31 outcomes (Sohal et al., 2022); the researchers proposed that, while more rigorous research is needed, there’s evidence for reduction in depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and with low risk and minimal resources required, as well as an emphasis on self-efficacy or capability, it’s recommended as a supportive therapy. Den Elzen et al. (2023) conducted a pilot study for a new program, ‘Writing for Wellbeing’, for the processing of bereavement and other types of loss. The bereaved group reported reduction in multiple symptoms and increase in meaning and support as well as help-seeking, while the group for non-death losses reported decreased help-seeking – an interesting contrast in results depending on the type of loss, both positive.

Creative Writing for Wellbeing, a 4-week program using one’s personal challenges (divorce, violence, isolation, bereavement, and others) as a prompt, resulted in significant benefits to cognitive processing of the difficulty presented, as well as a positive effect on mood and overall mental wellbeing (Deveney & Lawson, 2022).

In analysis of a UK-based women’s therapeutic expressive writing group (Forster et al., 2022), researchers identified two primary goals: emotional processing of traumatic life events, and enhancement of emotional wellbeing. Themes emerged related to psychological wellbeing and resilience, value in releasing negative thoughts and emotions, therapist support, group setting, and core writing activities. Feather (2022) further proposes journal writing as a tool to express identity, both overt and covert, as one explores one’s psyche from multiple perspectives – what she calls, ‘mythic autobiography’.

So, other than the simple picking up of a blank book and a pen, how do we approach therapeutic journal writing for mental self-care?

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Exercises:

Let’s begin with beginnings, as it were. On a blank sheet of paper, brainstorm your ideas for journal prompts. Yes, we can find lists of these online; yes, each time we pick up the journal, we can just go with whatever’s in our minds at that moment. This too is very useful. In the center, write “mental self-care” and then fill that page with as many words and phrases as come to your mind, quickly, one step ahead of the inner critic, filtering nothing. (You can select and omit certain aspects later.) Once the page is filled, turn it over.

Now, without looking at the first exercise, make a list of as many topics related to mental self-care as you’d like to explore, relevant to yourself. The first exercise is meant to cast a wide net, engaging your mind as freely and creatively as possible. The second exercise comes to the heart of the matter, and now you have a list of writing prompts specific to our topic and your mental health care.

At any given time that you feel inclined to write in your journal, if you don’t already have a certain topic uppermost in your mind, simply choose one of these – and explore.

Whenever writing in your journal, also keep that pen moving along quickly. This isn’t a test or contest; speed itself is of no importance. But we want stream-of-consciousness, thoughts and feelings to paper, without filtering. Remember, grammar and spelling aren’t important – nor is social acceptability. Write exactly as you think and feel, and surprise yourself with your truth – and your insight.

It’s often very useful to meditate for a few minutes before journal-writing. Whether you have a topic and want to do some deep-mind contemplation before writing, or you’ve no particular topic and want to see what bubbles up from the inner workings of your unconscious, simple meditation as described can be a very useful tool. As well, I often suggest reflection following various exercises in this book, and journal-writing is one especially useful form.

Journal writing can be your daily ritual for self-care. Perhaps you’re a morning person, and you like to settle in with a cup of tea and your journal as most of the world is still asleep. Or perhaps you’re a night owl, and find the midnight hours most inspiring. There’s no need for daily writing, but as a self-care ritual, it’s one of the best.

When you’re angry, write in your journal. When sad, write. When lonely: write. When you don’t know what you’re feeling, turn to that journal and write. When you haven’t a word to write: write. It isn’t really about writing per se; it’s about externalizing your thoughts and feelings so that you can look at them more objectively, reveal what you didn’t know was there, and make sense of it all. Self-care.

References:

Den Elzen K, Breen LJ, and Neimeyer RA (2023). Rewriting grief following bereavement and non-death loss: a pilot writing-for-wellbeing study. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling. https://doi.org/10.1080/03069885.2022.2160967

Deveney C and Lawson P (2022). Writing your way to well-being: An IPA analysis of the therapeutic effects of creative writing on mental health and the processing of emotional difficulties. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research 22, 292-300. https://doi.org/10.1002/capr.12435

Feather J (2022). Through the Masks: Mythic Autobiography and the Journal—Reflections from Endless Angles. Psychological Perspectives 65:2, 173-179. https://doi.org/10.1080/00332925.2022.2119754

Forster M, Bertolucci J, and James S (2022). The journey towards active self-care and empowerment: Insights from a thematic analysis of a women’s therapeutic expressive writing group (UK). Counselling and Psychotherapy Research 00, 1-8. https://doi.org/10.1002/capr.12605

Gerger H, Werner C, Gaab J et al. (2022). Comparative efficacy and acceptability of expressive writing treatments compared with psychotherapy, other writing treatments, and waiting list control for adult trauma survivors: A systematic review and network meta-analysis. Psychological Medicine 52:15, 3484-3496. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291721000143

Ruini C and Mortara CC (2022). Writing Technique Across Psychotherapies – From Traditional Expressive Writing to New Positive Psychology Interventions: A Narrative Review. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy 52, 23-34. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10879-021-09520-9

Sohal M, Singh P, Dhillon BS et al. (2022). Efficacy of journaling in the management of mental illness: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Family Medicine and Community Health 10:1. https://doi.org/10.1136/fmch-2021-001154

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Addiction Recovery: Health Psychology ©2023]

And now: your mind therapy. Mindfulness is our 5^th key.

This is one of the most powerful tools you can have in your recovery. I can say this with confidence (I’ve practiced mindfulness for nearly 40 years) – and a good deal of research to back me up.

While many people think of mindfulness as meditation, and this is a core practice, it’s much more than that. Also, if you think you can’t meditate, think again: meditation is actually very simple, yet its effects are profound – especially in addiction recovery.

I like to think of mindfulness as, focus and notice. But also, don’t attach. (Hear me out.)

One of the core aspects of mindfulness, which is a trait or aspect of personality, a state or mental condition, and a practice with exercises we can engage in, is attention.

Now, you may be one of the many with ADD or ADHD, and thinking, this isn’t for me – attention is exactly my problem! This simply means, mindfulness is even more for you, and will help you enormously.

In mindfulness, we pay attention to our lives. In recovery, this means we begin to notice all the tiny joys throughout our day – the sunbeams coming in through the window and dancing on the floor, the stranger who said good morning to us, the cool air on the face, the way we feel. We begin to be rich in time – time affluent – as we actually notice the many moments of beauty throughout each day. We also begin to cherish ourselves, our life, our world. The smallest thing can be a source of joy. In all of this, you’re healing and retraining your brain’s pleasure or reward centers, which have been vastly overstimulated by active addiction – whether behavioral or substance – and now depleted so that nothing gives you pleasure. Mindfulness can help.

Mindfulness allows us to live deliberately, to be more in charge of ourselves and our lives, to pay attention. In fact, it’s an exercise to improve attention, much like any physical exercise will strengthen muscle. More than that: emotional regulation. We notice our thoughts and feelings as they arise…and then we let them drift away again like a puff of air, with no need to latch on or let it define us. Thoughts and emotions are story, part of our story, but we don’t need to be defined by story. We don’t need to ruminate on that thought all day, or let that emotion consume us; we begin to be more emotionally intelligent, and to regulate our emotions in a healthy way.

A 10-minute daily practice of mindfulness meditation is enough to supercharge your health, both physical and mental. Just 10 minutes! (Lots of research on this.) This can be as simple as sitting quietly, distractions minimized and eyes closed, focused on your slow and deep breathing; when you notice your focus has drifted (and it will; it’s normal), just gently refocus on your breathing; meanwhile, as thoughts or emotions come, just notice and greet them, then send them on their way again. And that’s it. Ten powerful, peaceful minutes every day. (There are many other mindfulness practices, and you’ll find more in the exercises section below.)

Trait mindfulness or self-regulation has been associated with lower risk of addiction, whether behavioral or substance, in a German study of 4,001 adolescents (Arnaud et al., 2023); related risk factors, such as psychological symptoms or distress or impulsivity, were also inversely related to trait mindfulness – indication of mindfulness as a protective factor.

The alteration in interoception, or processing of the body’s sensate signaling, that was addressed in our previous key seems to be reversed by mindfulness interventions, as shown on brain studies (May et al., 2022). Whereas substance use disorders in particular decrease interoceptive awareness and overstimulate other brain functions, mindfulness does precisely the opposite for improved addiction treatment outcomes. In a review of 30 studies of mindfulness-based intervention for substance use disorder, Korecki et al. (2020) found evidence for efficacy comparable to other types of treatment in terms of harm reduction, craving, abstinence, and related problems.

Comparable efficacy – and, mindfulness can be performed as self-treatment, at home, daily, and at zero cost. (Plus, it has a host of other physical and mental/emotional benefits.)

Naturally, mindfulness programs specific to addiction recovery have been developed. One such is Mindfulness-Oriented Recovery Enhancement [MORE] (Garland, 2016), which is not only the cognitive control and emotional regulation of all mindfulness practice, as well as the savoring of daily experience, our physical body, and the natural world; it also integrates strategies of positive reappraisal in order to disrupt the progress of addiction. This further generates interoception, to engage and potentially restructure the brain’s reward centers and to generally ‘reboot’ the brain affected by addiction (Garland, 2021).

In a review of 16 studies regarding MORE, Parisi et al. (2022) identified evidence of this mindfulness program’s efficacy not only for addiction but also chronic pain and psychological symptoms. Hu (2023), in a comparison of MORE to another such treatment program, Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention [MBRP], demonstrated evidence for their comparability in coping skills for craving management. She identified a distinction between them in that MORE cultivates skills of reappraisal with an aim toward decoupling triggers from pleasure, while MBRP focuses on relapse prevention in those who are abstinent, by applying the mindfulness principle of nonattachment to cravings in viewing them as transient states to be dissipated rather than acted upon.

A new mindfulness treatment approach recently piloted, specific to opioid use disorder [OUD], is the Mindful Recovery OUD Care Continuum [M-ROCC] (Schuman-Olivier et al., 2023). This 24-week training is specifically trauma-informed and conducted alongside medical treatment. The pilot study evidenced increased interoception and self-compassion, decreased experiential avoidance, and self-reported use for management of stress, anxiety, pain catastrophizing, and rumination.

Finally, and perhaps most fitting: Recovery Dharma [RD], a Buddhist-based, mindfulness-oriented, peer support program for addiction treatment. An online survey study was conducted by LaBelle et al. (2023), with 209 participants, average age 47 and an average of 7 years in recovery. Analysis demonstrated that mindfulness practice, meditation, and perceived support from the community significantly predicted measures of recovery capital while the duration of both meditation and recovery did not. Researchers concluded that consistent mindfulness meditation, rather than infrequent but more prolonged sessions, can enhance recovery capital.

So, how can we enhance our mindfulness?

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Exercises:

Without any doubt: follow the basic form of mindfulness meditation as already described above, and do it for 10 minutes every day. Just 10 minutes. But: every day, without fail. It seems so small, but it’s truly powerful.

Develop a mantram. Choose a word or short phrase that’s meaningful to you – “I’m worthy” or “I’m healthy” or “I’m capable” – or other, and say it in your mind many times throughout every day. Again: simple, but surprisingly effective. Choose just one and keep it the same; if you’re getting bored of it this may mean that it’s fairly integrated into your psyche and time to change to another. Reinforcement is key.

Engage in mindful walking. As an indoor activity, try walking as slowly as possible, focused completely on the walking itself. When walking outdoors, even in a crowd, just time your breathing and pace to one another; a normal (but steady, mindful) pace would be 3-4 steps per inhalation, then the same for exhalation, and so on. By paying attention to it, you’ll be walking mindfully.

Have a mindful meal. Put all the entertainment away; focus only on your meal itself – the food in its taste, color, texture, temperature, how you feel, when you feel full, the act of feeding yourself, the pleasure of eating, the nourishment that the food brings to your body, and any other details.

Take a walk in nature – and notice everything. Look at tiny details, feel how your body is functioning, listen for sounds, taste the air, feel the sun on your face. Absorb as much of this experience as you can.

Throughout your day, notice its details. Pay attention. Look for beauty, for meaning, for humor, for interchanges with other people, for moments to appreciate. Live the day fully, noticing everything and missing nothing. Sense the richness in an ordinary day.

References:

Arnaud N, Wartberg L, Simon-Kutscher K et al. (2023). Prevalence of substance use disorders and associations with mindfulness, impulsive personality traits and psychopathological symptoms in a representative sample of adolescents in Germany. European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00787-023-02173-0

Garland EL (2016). Restructuring reward processing with Mindfulness-Oriented Recovery Enhancement: Novel therapeutic mechanisms to remediate hedonic dysregulation in addiction, stress, and pain. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences 1373; 25-37. https://doi.org/10.1111/nyas.13034

Garland EL (2021). Mindful positive emotion regulation as a treatment for addiction: From hedonic pleasure to self-transcendent meaning. Current Opinion in Behavioral Sciences 39, 168-177. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cobeha.2021.03.019

Hu J (2023). Neuropsychological Mechanisms and Evidence of Mindfulness-Based Interventions for Addiction. Journal of Education, Humanities and Social Sciences 8, 904-908. https://doi.org/10.54097/ehss.v8i.4379

Korecki JR, Schwebel FJ, Votaw VR et al. (2020). Mindfulness-based programs for substance use disorders: A systematic review of manualized treatments. Substance Abuse Treatment, Prevention, and Policy 15:51. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13011-020-00293-3

LaBelle O, Hastings M, Vest N et al. (2023). The role of mindfulness, meditation, and peer support in recovery capital among Recovery Dharma members. Journal of Substance Use and Addiction Treatment 208939. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.josat.2022.208939

May AC, Davis C, Kirlic N et al. (2022). Mindfulness-Based Interventions for the Treatment of Aberrant Interoceptive Processing in Substance Use Disorders. Brain Sciences 12:2, 279. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci12020279

Parisi A, Roberts RL, Hanley AW et al. (2022). Mindfulness-Oriented Recovery Enhancement for Addictive Behavior, Psychiatric Distress, and Chronic Pain: A Multilevel Meta-Analysis of Randomized Controlled Trials. Mindfulness 13, 2396-2412. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01964-x

Schuman-Olivier Z, Fatkin T, Creedon TB et al. (2023). Effects of a trauma-informed mindful recovery program on comorbid pain, anxiety, and substance use during primary care buprenorphine treatment: A proof-of-concept study. American Journal on Addictions 32, 244-253. https://doi.org/10.1111/ajad.13364

[excerpted from, 9 Keys to Self-Esteem: Positive Psychology ©2023]

Love. Who doesn’t want more of that?

I’m not a romantic. (It just isn’t my nature.) But when we talk about love in the largest possible sense, love for humanity, for society, for one another, I’m all in.

Naturally, while romantic relationships are part of this character strength, it goes well beyond, to include several types of connectedness or bonding among humans: attachment between parents and their children; compassion and kindness for other humans generally; companionate love, for our friends; and romantic love, between spouses or partners.

Of course, love extends well beyond that experienced between humans. While we’re talking about relatedness (not my love of reading, for example, nor for cooking), anyone with a dog, cat, or other companion animal knows that this pure love is very deep indeed, the loyalty and bond unconditional. Our love for nature, as we take a walk in the woods and our heart soars, or watch a sunset over the ocean and are moved to tears – every time, is also quite real, and some would say, reciprocal. And so on.

In the positive psychology character strength, our focus here, it’s the love among humans — that speaks to our deepest sense of humanism and humanity.

And it’s complicated. And we can feel unloved. And we can love someone, and later, it can turn to hate.

Even so – it’s our social relationships, our bondedness and sense of being connected to other humans, our social inclusion and feelings of social support, and our compassion for and kindness toward others, that powerfully contributes to our self-esteem, and to our health, wellbeing, happiness, and life satisfaction.

And what does the current research tell us?

It seems very clear that social isolation is unhealthy (Preston & Rew, 2022), though social exclusion is far more damaging (Arslan, 2019). Social inclusion, then – even for us introverts – contributes greatly to mental health and both psychological and subjective wellbeing (Ahrnberg et al., 2021). Each of these studies indicates self-esteem as a mediator – along with resilience to increase life satisfaction despite social exclusion (Arslan), as one of the protective factors for mental health despite isolation (Preston & Rew), and along with social inclusion for mental wellbeing (Ahrnberg et al.). The link between love or bondedness and self-esteem has also been demonstrated in other recent studies (Harris & Orthu, 2020; Niveau et al., 2021; Salice, 2020), with long-lasting effect (de Moor et al., 2021).

We can imagine the harm that people throughout the world suffered in our recent pandemic and its associated ‘social distancing’, and this is actively being studied. In some good news, the review of prior studies conducted by Preston and Rew demonstrated that a general sense of connectedness, along with self-esteem and prosocial behaviors such as kindness and volunteerism, are protective of mental health in adolescents, despite social isolation. In a related study by Hu et al. (2021), a chain of benefits was established; social support and relationships leads to increased self-esteem, which in turn leads to hope and then to prosocial behavior – doing good for others.

So how do we increase our social connectedness? How to get, and give, more love?

By our time, more than anything. Time scarcity is an all too common reality these days, and time affluence (yes, remember that term in our mindfulness chapter?) – having the luxury, and also giving the gift, of time – is precious. When we give our time to relationships, they grow. By giving our time, we open our hearts.

And by being more open to others in the first place. It’s also too easy in our technological age to disconnect, or to connect only electronically. Relationships can be nurtured in this way, so taking time to text someone is also valid – but human bondedness also relies on physical proximity and social contact.

Love, social connectedness, requires time and space, and focus on others. And in most cases, it will be reciprocated.

Exercises:

Join a group. And attend their events or engage in their activities. One of the primary ways to build our social connectedness is to join a sport or club or other group of common interest. Like running, or playing tennis? Enjoy singing? Want to practice a handcraft, or language, or coding? I could go on – almost any activity you can think of probably has a solo version, and likely has a group. Choose the latter more often.

Similarly, take a class. While your focus in this case is less social and more cerebral, to acquire new knowledge or skill, you’ll still be with others. Again, the trend today is to learn everything online, and isn’t it wonderful that we can do so? But we do well to also engage in a physical class with other human beings in the room. And to talk to them.

Reach out to others. Meet a friend for a coffee. Text, sure, but don’t just text. Spend physical time together – in the ‘offline’ world. (What until recently we called, ‘reality’.)

Volunteer. Like the suggestion for kindness, volunteering also engages you with others, and provides an opportunity for social connectedness and bonding, in a positive environment with a common interest.

Engage, engage, engage. In the relationships you already have, and in new ones waiting to be made.

As well, we grow our compassion. Develop the habit of asking yourself about ‘story’ – when someone is rude to you, or ignores you, or otherwise does something that you find irritating, ask yourself: could there be another story here? Is this person having a bad day, or life? Is there some subtext I’m missing? Could it perhaps have nothing to do with me?

The story metaphor can be extended to an infinite number of scenarios, including simply asking ourselves the ‘story’ of the strangers around us. Cultivate the habit of looking at those around you – in the crowded metro train on your way to work, in the supermarket, or anywhere – and asking yourself, ‘I wonder what his/her story is?’ We begin to understand more deeply that everyone has a whole background story about which we know nothing – and maybe, they’re struggling. By this we grow our compassion, story by story.

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References:

Ahrnberg H, Appelqvist-Schmidlechner K, Mustonen P, et al. (2021). Determinants of Positive Mental Health in Adolescents–A Cross-Sectional Study on Relationships between Positive Mental Health, Self-Esteem, Character Strengths and Social Inclusion. International Journal of Mental Health Promotion 23:3, 361-374. https://doi.org/10.32604/IJMHP.2021.016408

Arslan G (2019). Mediating role of the self–esteem and resilience in the association between social exclusion and life satisfaction among adolescents. Personality and Individual Differences 151:109514. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109514

de Moor EL, Denissen JJA, Emons WHM, et al. (2021). Self-esteem and satisfaction with social relationships across time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 120:1, 173-191. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000379

Harris MA and Orth U (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 119:6, 1459-1477. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265

Hu H, You Y, Ling Y, et al. (2021). The development of prosocial behavior among adolescents: A positive psychology perspective. Current Psychology https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-021-02255-9

Niveau N, New B, and Beaudoin M (2021). Self-esteem Interventions in Adults – A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. Journal of Research in Personality 94:104131. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2021.104131

Preston AJ and Rew L (2022). Connectedness, Self-Esteem, and Prosocial Behaviors Protect Adolescent Mental Health Following Social Isolation: A Systematic Review. Issues in Mental Health Nursing 43:1, 32-41. https://doi.org/10.1080/01612840.2021.1948642

Salice A (2020). Self-Esteem, Social Esteem, and Pride. Emotion Review 12:3, 193-205. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073920930788